Humor

Best New Jokes: April 9, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

POSITIVE ASPECTS OF STUTTERING

Guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears, and IIII’m tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?”

The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.” So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is. The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc? Doc says, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.

Guy says, Wwwat cccan we ddo? Doc says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. Guy says, “Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says,”Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.” The doc says, “Nnnnope. A ddddeal’s a ddddeal!!!”


SOME SENIOR HUMOR

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

On hearing that her elderly grandpa had just passed away. Jenny went straight over to see her grandma. When she got there she asked her granny how did it happened? Her granny explained ” He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. “Oh no,” her granny replied, ” We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells– in with the ding and out with the dong.” She paused, and wiped away a tear. ” If it wasn’t for that damn Ice Cream truck going by, he’d still be alive.”

Two 65 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!” And they did!! As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been gentler with her!” The woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I had known that he could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”


THE TRUTH ABOUT DIET & EXERCISE

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we a know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they’re not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press.
What did he mean?
A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up yourshorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerciseprogram?
A: Sorry… Can’t think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.



THIS WEEK’S LAWYER JOKE

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”



DEFINITIONS, ACCORDING TO GENDER

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female……..Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female……..Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
b. male……….Playing any sport without a “cup”.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female…….The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
b. male………Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female…….The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
b. male………What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female…….A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male………Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female…….A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male………Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

a. female…….An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male………An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and Male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female…….The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male………Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes

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