Humor

Best New Jokes: April 8, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

CRUTCHES

A man one day noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer. Needless to say, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, and nearly nine inches of additional length, the man became concerned and the couple went to see a urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, the man’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” the man’s wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.

“Well, yes,” the wife replied, “You’re planning to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?


YOU MAY BE MOUNTAIN FOLK IF…

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She said she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP.”

They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP.”

The woman was curious but didn’t say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP.”

Finally, the woman asked, “Why do you keep yelling that out the window?”

“I’m sorry,” he replied, “but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”


YOU MAY BE MOUNTAIN FOLK IF…

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.


NAME THAT PRACTICE

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading “DR. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to, “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go. Next, they tried, “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came, “Manic-depressives and Anal retentives.” Still not good. How about “Minds and Behinds”? Unacceptable again. So, they tried, “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” Still no go. Neither did, “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” or, “Loons and Moons,” work either.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan that they thought might be acceptable to the council, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Approved.


YOU MAY BE MOUNTAIN FOLK IF…

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.


A QUICK MANAGEMENT COURSE FOR THIS MONDAY MORNING

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered, “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree, promptly spotted him.

Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!


YOU MAY BE MOUNTAIN FOLK IF…

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


A LAWYER AND TWO FRIENDS

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” spoke the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.


YOU MAY BE MOUNTAIN FOLK IF…

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.


ONE SMART KID

It was the first day of school, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese executive, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, “Give me liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

He said. “Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!

Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001.”

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