Humor

Best New Jokes: April 29, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Note: Since 9-11, the quality of American humor has deteriorated. Not surprisingly, our minds have been elsewhere. Some weeks, Monday’s Best Jokes have been abysmal. Shamefully so.

From now on, if jokes aren’t good (or at least poking fun at some sacred cow), and fresh, they won’t be sent. That means some Mondays without jokes.

Hopefully, you’ll enjoy these.


HEAVEN, OSAMA-STYLE

After finally getting nailed in an air raid, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, George Washington greets him. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans Liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the federalgovernment to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is then caned by John Randolph of Roanoke and soundly thrashed by James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and 65 other men who love liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gates, where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits the ferry to take him to his final, very hot destination, he screams, “Aieee! This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”


TRIALS OF OLD AGE, #89

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started
leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma,you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”


ABOUT MARRIAGE

“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” -Woody Allen.

“Ah, yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” -Robin Williams.

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” -Duane Dewel.

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” -Helen Rowland

“I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to
instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic
establishment.” -Alan Bennett

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” -Jackie Mason

“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.” -Leonardo Di Vinci.

“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” -Lewis Grizzard.

“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern.” -Mickey Rooney.

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield.

“The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal
separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” -Johnny Carson


SURVIVOR, TEXAS-STYLE

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do itsown, titled Survivor, Texas-Style.

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio,over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.

Fromthere, they’ll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m gay, I’m a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I’m here to confiscate yourguns!”

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!


SAFE SEX, TARZAN-STYLE

Tarzan always practiced safe sex! When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, … but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said,… “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees”


THE LAST BILL CLINTON JOKE YOU’LL EVER READ HERE

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.

She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen.

“Allow me to demonstrate.” She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir,” says the Queen.

She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Gore?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning home, he decides he’d better put some of his old friends to the test.

He calls Bill Clinton and says, “Hi Bill, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me.”

“Why, of course, Al. What’s on your mind?”

“Well, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get backto you?”

Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you idiot.”

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Gore replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.

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