Humor

Best New Jokes: April 14, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Maxine Cartoon

YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN BY MY SIDE …

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”


WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN THINKS OF A JOKE LIKE THIS?

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down
the Stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to….cut it
off are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m
going to set the garage on fire.”


LANGUAGES FOR “I LOVE YOU” ….

English ……… I Love You
Spanish ……. Te Amo
French ………Je T’aime
German ……. lch Liebe Dich
Japanese ….. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ………. Ti Amo
Chinese …… Wo Ai Ni
Swedish …… Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama ….. Nice Tits



PROPOSED ENGLISH LANGUAGE CHANGE

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments. European
officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is
clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ‘s’
instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard ‘c’ could be replaced by ‘k’ sinse
both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in
the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This
would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty per sent shorter in print. In the
third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash
the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would
enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to
akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
writ as though nothing had hapend.

By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing ‘th’by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’. Shortly after
zis, ze unesesary ‘o kould be dropd from words kontaining ‘ou’. Similar
arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing
zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin
it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum
tru.


HOW TO STOP A SNORER

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t
care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”



TEN WAYS TO TERRORIZE A TELEMARKETER

10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them!
“I’m so glad you asked because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died…”

09. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

08. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the hell she could know you from.

07. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,
“I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

06. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

05. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration”
and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

04. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not
just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

03. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they
cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t
want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”

02. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
“Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

And first and foremost:

01. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
EVERY WORD down.

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