Yes… it’s time for that sex talk…
And no, your mother didn’t say I had to sit you down and do some of those “facts of life” explanations. This time around it’s some serious, adult conversation…
Adult…in that, it’s precipitated by my being a 67-year-old guy, who’s equipped with a 67-year-old P… P… P… Penis…with all its possible Predicaments, Perplexities and Perils. Shit…that’s a hell of a lot of P’s for an old man to get out without dribbling.
To preface our talk, one needs to realize that aging enhances one’s “spidey” senses… so much so that we when an old guy like me hears but a background word or two, we instinctively shift our attention and totally focus on those commercials that may be of “need” down the road…
Thirty-some years ago, when the blue pill was all the television rage, a physician friend gave me several sample packets. Had no use for them then, and have no need for the now… But I still focused attention to that seductive commercial… and those sweet, sexy, come-hither female models who would get you up even if ever the pill failed to!
Those broadcast commercials have aptly aged. They now gear to the male crowd who exhibit an overt extraordinary concern over PGC…that’s Possible Genital Conditions, the terminology coined by Dr. Will McCau, the eminent Mammalian Psychologist and Psychiatrist, a good friend from the ‘60s whose focus on psychotherapy and treating emotional and mental suffering with behavioral intervention is only surpassed by his ability to prescribe addictive medications for treatment. You may remember him… I consulted with Dr. McCau when I czared the PPSC last year…that’s the Presidential Pet Selection Committee. Great Doc!
Anyway, that commercial:
Men, do you have a problem with a curve under the belt? You know… a painful curve caused by repeated penile injury typically occurring during sex or physical activity… Yes, apparently you can hurt yourself during sexual intercourse! Or during “Physical Activity?” (Yeah, I think that’s code for… yah… wink… wink… for… for masturbation…)
Maybe the hair-on-the-palm story was just that, a big lie! But would you, Mr. Teenager, have believed your mom when she said you could develop plaque inside your penis by overt self-handling? She would have been the most ridiculed mom of the neighborhood. Little Gary’s mom is a Laughing Stock! Plaque in your penis, but not on your teeth! Really!
Back to the Talk:
Men… Don’t be ashamed to raise your hands… You got a curve?… well, you just may have Peyronie’s Disease. (Side Note: Named after the first diagnosed case in 1743 by a French Doctor, Mr. Peyronie’s heirs have been the butt of jokes through the years.) Anyway, today total cases number over 200,000 in the US.
Wow! You got a disease. You got men. And it involves the penis. What an investment trifecta, so much better than the famed Golden Cross Lore and the talking heads!
I noted that the broadcast commercial was produced on behalf of our good friends at Endo Pharmaceuticals. Thus began my due diligence prior to investing monies gotten from our fixed income of Social Security and a small Pension. And what better place to begin one’s research than by googling it.
Peyronie’s Disease questions posed by the search engine:
- Can PD heal itself?
- Answer: Some men don’t need to worry. “It” goes away by itself. What the hell is “it”. The problem curve? Your penis? Your ability to erect?
- Can PD make the penis shorter?
- Really!!! You draw a, say… 6” straight line, Point A to Point B. Next to it, another 6” line, but slightly curve it. Now, without holding the paper behind a glass of water, is one 6” line shorter than the other?
- Can you die? Is PD fatal?
- Google does not answer this question. Now that’s frightening!
- Any recommendations?
- Answer: Sometimes a “watchful, waiting” approach is fine! Watchful? Waiting? For what? You’re talking about my penis!
- What are some treatments?
- Answer: There is an Oral Medication, but it is only effective while the plaque is still forming, usually occurring no later than the 12-18 month stage of the disease.
- And what did our friends at Endo do?
- Answer: They’ve developed XIAFLEX®. And the delivery method is via… sit down guys and grab your balls… via injection… that is… injection into one’s penis! Hold onto your… here’s the procedural outline.
Peyronie’s Disease Treatment Cycle:
Penile injection. Then 1-3 days later comes…
Penile Injection. Then 1-3 days later comes…
HCP Modeling. During this visit, you will be treated to a manual procedure called Penile Modeling that will help stretch the plaque and straighten the penis. Mr. Kraft, are you listening. After learning this procedure, you will need to set aside a few minutes every day to perform these at home stretching and straightening activities on your penis. For 6 weeks guys!!!
Treatment is typically 4 cycles. You should note that after an injection, your penis may be wrapped in a bandage. Also note, during this treatment, in BOLD print, you’re advised never to use a vacuum erection device!
And just so you know, Corporal Rupture, a.k.a. Penile Fracture, can occur from XIAFLEX® injections. And it is worse than it sounds! A few Symptoms of Corporal Rupture include a popping sound or sensation in an erect penis and a sudden loss of the ability to maintain an erection. Purple bruising and swelling of your penis!
Other serious side effects:
Swelling at the injection site… Wow… a half-swelled penis is something I would be looking forward to… Itching of your penis and/or scrotum… Wow… makes you wonder if every major and minor league ballplayer is in a XIAFLEX® Treatment Program! Blisters at the injection site! A lump or nodule at the injection site! Changes of the color of the skin of your penis! What else could go wrong? (Plenty, just google it…)
Now getting back to that Penile Modeling Program one is to do daily for 6 weeks. You are to stretch the penis 3 times daily, but only if not erect. And then straighten the penis 1 time daily, but only when you have a spontaneous erection. You then bend the penis in the opposite direction and hold this position for 30 seconds.
Kinda reminds me of the exercise program I had in my teenage years. Stretch it when it’s not erect. Then straighten and bend the penis when it is “spontaneously” erect! But I don’t recall that I made it to the 30 seconds much of the time!
And just a further side note:
Treatment has a 34% success rate with 60% of injected patients experiencing “improvement”. And as is customary, a group of injected patients was treated with a placebo. Wow! Stick me in that schmuck group! And then stick a needle in my penis… yet 30% of those schmucks said they experienced improvement. Wow! I certainly hope the control group wasn’t composed of “short” guys who often say that anything is an improvement.
So then the question still remains. Do I invest in Endo Pharmaceuticals? Make money off the penile pain of so many? Would this be an ethical investment? Why not, I thought, if you have to be taught how to model your penis, well then, isn’t everything here fair game.
But then I found other areas that our good friends at Endo have been involved in. Yah… you guessed correctly. The modern day version of “pieces of eight”. Can our parrot say: “Opioids”? And even if they are now trying to be good corporate citizens, writing that they have voluntarily stopped promoting opioid products to health-care professionals, and have eliminated the Company’s entire pain product sales force, and have discontinued research and development of new opioid products…there still lingers, rightfully so, multiple lawsuits galore for the reckless promotion of these opioids… killing more than just pain…
So… if my penis ever succumbs to injury… and curves, I’ll work my way through the pain… and on my own terms, without Endo. And if yours ever does, please do not fallaciously assume that Pharmaceuticals are the de facto answer… just buck up baby… invest in your personal Golden Cross… and well… take matters into your own hands…
This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!
The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.
"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."Retired.com
"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."Suzette Martinez Standring
"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."Alexa.com