An uncommon, funny look at the common things in life. Enjoy Andy Rooney’s views on everything…
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
“Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'”
Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting “I don’t know.” Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, “I’m not in the mood.”
Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be — Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? ” Hi , it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” Beep. “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.”
Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections…who can’t remember what to do with them.
Your ad could be here.
- Best Binoculars for Bird Watching
- Best Bowling Shoes for Seniors
- Best Camping Gear for Seniors
- Best Croquet Sets
- Best Electric Shavers for Seniors
- Best Gadget Canes for Seniors
- Best Garden Kneelers for Seniors
- Best Puzzle Types for Seniors
- Best Shower Chairs for Elderly
- Best Smartphone Accessories
- Best Smartphone Apps for Seniors
- Best Velcro Shoes for Elderly
- Best Walkers for Seniors
- Top 5 Smartphones for Seniors
- Activities for Seniors Guide
- Best Car Rental Discounts
- Best Dog Breeds for Seniors
- Best Errand Services for Seniors
- Best Medical Alert System Guide
- Best Travel Insurance for Seniors
- Complete Senior Center Guide
- Complete Senior Discount Guide
- Coronavirus Guide for Seniors
- Guide to Bowling for Seniors
- Guide to Choosing Senior Helpers
- Guide to Stair Lifts
- Hospital Bed Rentals Guide
- Senior Citizen Age Guide (FAQs)
- Senior Estate Planning Checklist
This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!
The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.
"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."Retired.com
"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."Suzette Martinez Standring
"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."Alexa.com