THE KEY TO GREAT
SEX AFTER 50
|By Frank Kaiser|
Yesterday I got this thin, 12-page magazine in the mail claiming on its cover that testosterone levels are the key to great sex after 50.
I’d heard that.
What piqued my interest was the cover photograph of a geezer sitting with a grin wide as Nevada’s Bunny Ranch being adored by a lovely lass half his age (His niece, perhaps?), she in sweat garb ready for a workout, her hands and eyes asking not what but when.
Compulsively turning the page, I found another photo of a big-busted babe in a two-piece black swimming suit hanging on to a guy in a baseball uniform. Maybe the same guy. I didn't notice.
What really caught my eye was the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"
Wow! For some of us, that's getting down near negative territory.
The Incredible Shrinking Penis
"Scientific" charts covering the next few pages showed penises shrinking all over the place. Nine percent in circumference. Twenty-five percent in volume. Nineteen point eight percent in length.
Makes you wonder, who measures such things, anyway?
And while my "Whopper" faded to a piddling in my mind's eye, the little magazine told me that as I age, sexual performance disappears while my prostate takes on International Significance.
No wonder the old overweight guy on page five (who could be any one of us!) glaring at his mirror reflection looks absolutely suicidal. The caption: "Depression is more common in older men than young men because of declining sexual ability."
Well, duh! By now, I'm not feeling too well myself. Is all this the trade off we make for those cheap senior citizen movie tickets?
Suddenly Trivia: Who asked, “What does a woman want?“
Then, just when all hope seemed futile, I turned the page and Whew! Would you believe? these folks just happen to have the miracle cure to all this, something called androstenedione, ASD for short.
Turns out this stuff solves that nagging 19.8 percent shrinkage problem. And if you happen to play major-league baseball. ASD even helps you hit home runs. Mark McGuire used the stuff when he hit the home run record a few years back. And it's not illegal. That's good enough for me.
Happy as the Devil
If that's not proof enough, there's a photo of this shirtless couple can't tell if it's a "before" or "after" happy as the devil about something. A dozen or so "References" nearby add scientific weight to this remarkable change in outlook, such as "Marked decline in serum concentration of adrenal C19 sex steroid precursors and conjugated androgen metabolites during aging."
I don't know what that means. Not sure that I want to. But it could be what the shirtless couple is smiling about.
Finally on the last inside page is our opportunity to order.
The best deal? A six-month supply for only $239.70. Plus shipping from Canada.
I don't know about you, but that seems a lot to pay for a few more home runs.
Tell you the truth, I don't even know anymore where my bat and ball are.
© 2000-2008 Frank Kaiser
Suddenly Trivia Answer: c) Sigmund Freud
I received this delightful e-mail from a writer at the company that produced the magazine I wrote about in this column...
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With WebCams for everything else, it's time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Exciting? You bet!
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An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
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