Compulsively turning the page, I found another photo of a big-busted babe in a two-piece black swimming suit hanging on to a guy in a baseball uniform. Maybe the same guy. I didn't notice.

What really caught my eye was the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"

Wow! For some of us, that's getting down near negative territory.

The Incredible Shrinking Penis

"Scientific" charts covering the next few pages showed penises shrinking all over the place. Nine percent in circumference. Twenty-five percent in volume. Nineteen point eight percent in length.

Makes you wonder, who measures such things, anyway?

And while my "Whopper" faded to a piddling in my mind's eye, the little magazine told me that as I age, sexual performance disappears while my prostate takes on International Significance.

Disappears?

No wonder the old overweight guy on page five (who could be any one of us!) glaring at his mirror reflection looks absolutely suicidal. The caption: "Depression is more common in older men than young men because of declining sexual ability."

Well, duh! By now, I'm not feeling too well myself. Is all this the trade off we make for those cheap senior citizen movie tickets?

Suddenly Trivia: Who asked, “What does a woman want?“
a) Warren Beatty, b) Rudolph Valentino, c) Sigmund Freud, d) Bill Clinton, e) Eliot Spitzer.

Then, just when all hope seemed futile, I turned the page and — Whew! Would you believe? — these folks just happen to have the miracle cure to all this, something called androstenedione, ASD for short.

Turns out this stuff solves that nagging 19.8 percent shrinkage problem. And if you happen to play major-league baseball. ASD even helps you hit home runs. Mark McGuire used the stuff when he hit the home run record a few years back. And it's not illegal. That's good enough for me.

Happy as the Devil

If that's not proof enough, there's a photo of this shirtless couple — can't tell if it's a "before" or "after" — happy as the devil about something. A dozen or so "References" nearby add scientific weight to this remarkable change in outlook, such as "Marked decline in serum concentration of adrenal C19 sex steroid precursors and conjugated androgen metabolites during aging."

I don't know what that means. Not sure that I want to. But it could be what the shirtless couple is smiling about.

Finally on the last inside page is our opportunity to order.

The best deal? A six-month supply for only $239.70. Plus shipping from Canada.

I don't know about you, but that seems a lot to pay for a few more home runs.

Tell you the truth, I don't even know anymore where my bat and ball are.

© 2000-2008 — Frank Kaiser

Suddenly Trivia Answer: c) Sigmund Freud

I received this delightful e-mail from a writer at the company that produced the magazine I wrote about in this column...

• I'm a writer and editor at the very same company that produced the thin 12-page magazine you spoke of in this column. In fact, I work primarily on those "magazines." (It's actually an overinflated brochure.)
  
  I was doing research for an article about sex and seniors in the actual magazine (if you could call it that) that we publish when I stumbled upon your column. After reading other sites about how important it is for couples to communicate, touch, massage, share their innermost thoughts (zzzzz...), etc., your column was a refreshing and funny change. I was greatly amused to read your lambasting of our "literature."
  You'll be pleased to know that this was done quite some time ago, before my tenure, and we are now under strict FTC scrutiny so have to be extremely careful about the claims we make and the language we use. We're pretty much not allowed to make any claims now; much of what we say is toothless. I showed your column to my supervisor, and she was also very amused.
  
  I've since read many of your columns and enjoyed them all, even though I'm not part of your target demographic. (I already feel old though!!!) Watching movies set in the '50s, I get a glamorous view of what it might've been like with those poodle skirts and bobby socks and cool cars. Of course I realize that someone of Asian descent like me would've been working in a laundry or on a railroad. I just wanted to send a shout out and let you know that your column was being enjoyed by someone. Keep up the good work!
  
  Anna

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