In a shocking move that has already sent shockwaves through retirement communities and local Bob Evans parking lots, the U.S. Department of Transportation (DOT) has announced a new senior driving license law, effective July 2025.
According to the regulation (which no one has confirmed or signed), all drivers aged 70 and up must pass a five-part obstacle course that includes:
1. The Vision Test of Doom
It is conducted entirely during a thunderstorm while a DMV examiner shines a flashlight in your eye and asks you to read the serial number on a moth.
2. The Patience Endurance Challenge
Participants must stand in a 3-hour DMV line while listening to a playlist of TikTok sounds and trying to avoid using the bathroom. Hydration is optional.
If you complain about “kids these days,” you lose 3 points. If you use the phrase “back in my day,” you automatically pass.
3. The Reverse Buick Challenge
Applicants must parallel park a 1997 Buick LeSabre in downtown Manhattan, guided only by their grandchild yelling directions via speakerphone while distracted by Fortnite.
4. The Digital Literacy Gauntlet
Seniors will be asked to:
- Recover a Facebook password without help.
- Explain what “the cloud” is.
- Program a VCR to record an episode of Matlock.
Bonus round: Assemble a full IKEA bedroom set using only Allen wrenches and a magnifying glass. All instruction manuals will be in Swedish.
5. The Reaction Test: Taylor Swift Edition
Participants must navigate a traffic circle blocked by protestors holding “Justice for Midnight Rain” signs while avoiding left-turning squirrels and a rogue Lime scooter.
Special Exemptions
- Automatic Pass: Anyone who drives with no power steering, no air conditioning, and no seat belts in a car made of solid steel earns a lifetime “Hard Mode Hero License.”
- Bonus Points: Do you still own a Thomas Guide or Rand McNally? +5 points.
- Golden Exemption: If you’ve ever used a paper map AND survived a teenage driver texting while merging, you get a gold-plated “License of Honor.”
- If you’ve ever said, “Back in my day…” while holding a coffee mug, you qualify for a hardship license.
- Anyone who still has a paper map in their glove box gets VIP renewal with free Werther’s Originals.
- Anyone who drove with no AC, power steering, or seat belts gets a gold star and a muscle rub.
DMV Justification
Said DOT spokesperson Braxton McGee (age 19):
“We want to ensure that our older drivers are prepared for modern driving challenges, such as roundabouts and Bluetooth. We feel confident this test will separate the wheat from the Wheaties.”
Braxton also confirmed that Rascal scooters will be made available for test prep simulations in retirement centers beginning in August.
Preparing for the July 2025 Senior Driving Law
If you’re over 70, don’t panic. Instead, prepare with this checklist:
- You must correctly identify what the “cloud” is and where your Facebook password is stored.
- Must recite all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” while merging onto a roundabout.
- If the senior refers to turn signals as “directionals,” they automatically fail.
- Must know the current price of gas, a loaf of bread, and Medicare copay — within $0.05 accuracy.
- All tests will be administered by a DMV intern named Braxton, who just finished an improv class.
Final Word
If you’re still reading and wondering if it’s real, we regret to inform you that you might already be too qualified to pass.
Still, maybe this joke rule isn’t such a bad idea—especially if it finally gets that one guy on your street to stop doing 15 mph in the passing lane.
For a (real) look at what states require from older drivers, check out this state-by-state guide to senior driving license renewal laws. Spoiler: no IKEA assembly required… yet.
This article is satire and should not be taken seriously unless you are currently yelling at your toaster.
