Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?”
“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”
“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “But we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”
“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now he was special!”
With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!”
When everything’s coming your way,
you may be in the wrong lane.
HEALTH NEWS
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
THE FALL
Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.
“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”
“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”
“I won’t be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”
“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”
“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
TRUE FANATIC
A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No, “he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It’s like a human jumping a football field.
A TRIFECTA OF BEST JOKES FOR THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
WIN:
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
