“So I thanked him and left!!..”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
THE GOLD URINAL
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some
campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just
think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed
Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:
“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.
ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
• His people would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
• “He would argue with a signpost”
• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
• “One neuron short of a synapse”
• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
AMISH REPAIR
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”
True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things –
• The bartender is a blonde girl.
• The bouncer is a blonde gal.
• I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
• The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
• The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Never buy a car you can’t push.
HOW I SPENT MY VACATION WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
• We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
• They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
• They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.
• There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
• At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
• My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
• Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
• My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
• When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
