In Praise of
|By Frank Kaiser
| One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.
When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.
Today, now in my 70s, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.
But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.
As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:
- An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!
- Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
- Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.
- An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
- Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.
Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old coot clinging and whining his way into your serenity.
© Copyright 2000 Frank Kaiser
EDITOR'S NOTE: ON APRIL 2, 2003, I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM ANDY ROONEY OF "60 MINUTES." HE TOO HAS BEEN BOMBARDED BY E-MAIL CONTAINING THE ABOVE COLUMN SIGNED BY "ANDY ROONEY."
HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NO IDEA HOW THIS STARTED, THAT HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS COLUMN, THAT HE WAS HOPING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.
See the Baltimore Sun's Susan Reimer's funny column about this column.
Also see http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp
KINDLY RAISE YOUR GLASS IN SPECIAL
TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE'VE LOVED...
AND STILL DO...
As of January 2009
Brigette Bardot 74
Stella Stevens 71
Sophia Loren 74
Gina Lollobrigida 81
Kay Starr 86
Patti Page 81
Annette Funicello 66
Barbara Eden 74
Angie Dickenson 77
Doris Day 84
Joan Collins 75
Julie Christie 67
Leslie Caron 77
Carroll Baker 77
Debra Paget 75
Julie Andrews 73
Ursula Andress 72
Rita Moreno 77
Jean Simmons 79
Julie Newmar 75
Kim Novak 75
Jane Powell 79
Debbie Reynolds 76
Shirley Temple 80
Jane Russell 87
Kathryn Grayson 86
Esther Williams 85
Elke Sommer 68
Gale Storm 86
Jill St. John 68
Liz Taylor 76
Mamie Van Doren 77
Beauty of a Woman
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With passing years -- only grows.....
A reader sent this...
THE AGES OF LOVE
I am a young man in love,
In an old man's body.
In love with an ageing woman,
Who is a young girl inside.
To find spring in autumn,
And blossoming as leaves fall,
Ripens fruit in my life
That summer never bore.
I see you run to me
As desperately as I need you,
The grey hairs no hindrance
To the young girl shining through.
-- Tony Crisp --
Of course, a celebrated encomium about older women was penned by a famous American statesman over 250 years earlier, when Benjamin Franklin wrote the piece known to us as "Old Mistresses' Apologue": June 25, 1745
My dear Friend,
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.
But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
- Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
- Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
- Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
- Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
- Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
- Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
- Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
- and Lastly They are so grateful!!
Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely
Your affectionate Friend. B. Franklin
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