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THIS
WEEK‘S
BEST
MOTHER‘S
DAY
JOKES

MAY 11, 2008

CONTENTS:
LOTS OF GOOD,
MOTHERLY ADVICE

WITH LOVE, ON MOTHER’S DAY


A LOOK BACK AT HISTORY

As we age, Moms change too.

4 My Mommy can do anything!

8 My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either!

16 Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

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    Practice Random acts of Kindness
    And Senseless acts of Beauty

    THANK YOU, MOM

    THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER

    TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    LOGIC.
    "Because I said so, that's why."

    FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

    ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

    It is Never Right
    to do Wrong to do Right.

    MOM COMES TO DINNER

    Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

    Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

    Reading his Mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

    Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

    Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

    Character is what a person
    is in the dark

    MOM’S DICTIONARY

    Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM, too.

    Defense    : What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

    Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

    Dumbwaiter    : One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

    Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

    Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

    Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

    Independent    : How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

    Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

    Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

    Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

    Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

    Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

    Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

    Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

    Verbal: Ability to whine in actual words

    Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

    Ooops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

    All the Best things in Life
    Are not Things at all

    YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A MOTHER SAY...

    "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

    "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

    "Just leave all the lights on, it makes the house look more cheery"

    "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"

    "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

    "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

    "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

    "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve"

    "Don't bother wearing a jacket, the wind-chill is bound to improve"

    Passion can never purchase
    what true love desires:
    true intimacy, self-giving,
    and commitment.


    GOTTA LOVE THOSE KIDS

    On Mother's Day the whole family got together for a big dinner and afterward, when Mom started to clean up, the kids said to her, "Don't bother with those dishes, Mom.“

    Today is Mother's Day, you can always do them tomorrow."


    The best and most beautiful things in the world
    cannot be seen, or even touched.
    They must be felt with the heart.

    ANSWERED PRAYERS

    A husband was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

    He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

    "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

    He arose before dawn, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

    He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. It was already 1 PM and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor!

    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

    At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

    The dictionary is the only place
    where success comes before work.

    WHAT MOTHERS REALLY WANT

    For their teenagers to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

    Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty

    To have their offspring answer a question without rolling their eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way. 

    A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed right next to the checkout counter.

    A kid who actually does what he's told, when he's told.

    If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?

    Do a little more each day
    than you think you possibly can.

    MOTHER’S PRIDE AND JOY

    Four women, all of whom has sons, attended a party. As is usual the case with mothers, talk turned to their children.

    The first lady said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a Mercedes for his birthday."

    The second lady said, “My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

    The third lady said: “My son is also my pride and joy. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

    It was the forth lady’s turn. "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

    Her three friends said: "What a shame. You must be terribly disappointed.“

    The mother smiled: "No, he is my pride and joy. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square-foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends"

    The consciousness of loving and being loved
    brings a warmth and richness to life
    that nothing else can bring.

    BLONDE MOM

    Her blond hair is mostly grey now but she really hasn't changed all that much.

    One day, a mom calls her son Jack and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

    Jack asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    His mom says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Jack decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    Jack studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to his mom and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

    Life is a succession of lessons
    which must be lived to be understood.

    Use Things
    not People.

    THIS WEEK’S LINK

    THE ULTIMATE MOTHER’S DAY GIFT

    GIVE YOUR MOM A STAR

    http://www.buyastar.net

    THIS WEEK’S SUDDENLY SENIOR TIP

    Please take the time to read this.
    Learn the best way to protect yourself.

    1. The elbow is the strongest point on your body. When someone threatens you, if they are close enough, use your elbow to stop him (or her.) .

    2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you. Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

    3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

    4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

    5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
    a. Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
    b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
    c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard or policeman to walk you back out.

    IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

    6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

    7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The chances of hitting a moving target are 4 in 100
    times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

    8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

    Pass this on the women you love.