Looking for Mr. Oldbar: Seniors Are Looking for Love Too

Who says seniors don't have fun? Seniors are looking for love too. Sun City West's residents are complaining about dozens of sightings over the past year of senior citizens engaged in sexual activities out in front of God and everybody. Heavy Groping at Starlite Drive-in Geezers and geezerettes in this Arizona retirement community get it on in pools, spas, golf cars, bingo rooms, and on park benches. Ah, the great outdoors. Suddenly Trivia: According to About.com, what is "crucial to better sex" in later life? a) clitoral stimulation, b) frank communication, c) lubrication, d) consultation with your physician before you begin. "Sin City" isn't alone. Virtuous residents at a Florida senior community reportedly whine that duffers doing the deed on golf course greens force players to avoid certain holes. Seniors Looking for Love Investigators say that much of this shocking behavior begins innocently enough with seniors "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set. Like this one: FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. More and more senior tabloids run them. Often they appear just opposite this column. I hate to guess what that means. In Praise of Older Women: What Women Really Want There are senior men looking for women, senior women looking for men, senior men looking for men, senior women looking for women, even undecideds looking for whomever, or whatever they can get. Consider the following: SERENITY NOW: Sex and age don't matter. I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. Occasionally, if you read between the lines, there are even ads for the love that dare not bark its name. More typically, these folks are lonely for senior companionship, and not particularly demanding on with whom or what. As a recent Los Angeles Senior Life classified stated: DON'T GET AROUND much anymore. Can't be picky. Have to be lucky. DHM 59. More lonely than lucky, most have decided it's time to step up to the plate, no matter that they haven't swung in years. Like this gentleman: BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you're a groovy chick or a swinging hen, let's get together to listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. Or this lady, playing on her single most positive trait: WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. Of course, some have very specific needs: LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. Others try to make the best out of what many consider risky: MINT CONDITION: Male, 1931, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. It doesn't run but walks well. While still others attempt to find the perfect complementary mate: MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our heads together. And while sex always lurks in the background - or noisily sprawled on the shuffleboard court - some don't beat around the bush. Like this from the Weekly Planet here in Clearwater: MWC: SHE IS 72, very petite. Her husband approves her desire to be with a slim, handsome, gentle male in 20s or "well-built" male of any age. One time? Maybe LTR. This so intrigued me, I called, leaving a message requesting an interview. That was two weeks ago. Apparently, I sounded neither 20ish nor well built. But I'd pay big bucks to see that threesome on our 18th green. Have you seen any ads like this of seniors looking for love? Suddenly Trivia Answer: d) consultation with your physician before you begin. How to Interpret Personal Ads WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish............................49 Adventurer......................Slept with all your friends Athletic..........................No tits Average looking..............Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful.........................Pathological liar Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated........................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.........Medicated Feminist.........................a Fat ball buster & doesn't shave her armpits Free spirit.......................Junkie Friendship first................Trying to live down a reputation as a slut Fun................................Annoying Gentle............................Comatose Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic New-Age.........................All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded...................Desperate Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate......................Sloppy drunk Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional.....................Certified Bitch Redhead..........................Bad dye-job Rubenesque...................Grossly Fat Romantic.........................Looks better by candlelight Social...........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous.......................Very Fat Weight proportion w/ height.....Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide Wants Soul mate..............Stalker Widow.............................Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart..................Old bat. MEN'S ADS 40-ish..........................52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic........................Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking.......Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated......................Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit.....................Banging your sister Friendship first...............As long as friendship involves nookie Fun...............................Good with a remote and a six-pack Good looking.................Arrogant Very good looking..........Dumb as a board Honest..........................Pathological Liar Huggable......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle..............Insecure mama's boy Mature..........................Older than your father Open-minded.......Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested Physically fit..................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.........................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive.......................Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive................Gay Spiritual.........................Got laid in a church once Stable...........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts. Submitted by Suddenly Senior reader Nolan Myers

Looking for Mr. Oldbar: Seniors Are Looking for Love Too

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Looking for Mr. Oldbar: Seniors Are Looking for Love Too

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