Literature

Santa’s Old Lady Wants to Retire

Animated Rocking Chair Grandma
It’s the week before Christmas
Here at the Pole.
With all these dumb elves
And that Jolly Old Soul.

Those songs that they sing
Peace and love to all men.
How the hell does that work?
Santa’s sacked out in the den.

I’ve had it this time!
No more for me.
I’ll puke if I see
One more damned Christmas tree.

They say patience’s a virtue
No pain means no gain.
But I just stubbed my toe
On some lousy toy train.

I’ve raised up our family
Sent them on their way.
But I’ve still got these elves
And they whine more each day.

It’s never enough
What I do for these guys.
They raid the icebox
Demanding pumpkin pies.

What’s a woman to do?
It’s no longer fun.
No time for myself
I live life on the run.

Who do you think
Keeps the toy shop humming?
And keeps reminding Santa
That Christmas is coming?

As for dear Santa
You may think he’s cute.
But he snores like a buzz saw
And farts loudly to boot.

I’m tired and I’m sick
Of his slovenly way.
Picking up after him
Has turned my hair gray.

I had so many suitors
Way back in those days.
But I chose one named Claus
And there’s been hell to pay.

Being Mrs. Claus
Is a full-time vocation.
I just want to move
To a tropical location.

So I’ve booked us a flight
And we’re leaving next week
Right after Christmas
When the snow’s at its peak.

I’ll just tell old Santa,
We’re going away,
And never mention
That it’s his last day.

I’ll do all the packing
While he’s off on his sleigh.
And he won’t know what hit him
Till we’re up and away.

He needs to remember
The day that we wed,
That he never mentioned
His reindeer and sled.

We’ll jet ski and windsurf
And hang five or ten.
I’ll tell them to burn
That chair in the den.

I’m busy planning
And scheming today.
Knowing that freedom’s
Just one week away.

So just keep on dreaming
Of presents and stuff.
Cause it’s almost Christmas
And I’ve had enough.

Find another sucker
And tell him you’re good.
But get outta my face
Is that understood?

DON’T TELL SANTA
THOUGH IT’S A TEMPTATION.
WE’RE JUST TOO OLD
FOR ALL THIS AGGRAVATION!

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