Senior Stories

Parts Department, Please Hold One Second

Parts Department


Being old and wise, and able to see into the future, I will now draw upon your imagination, to create a scene that will come to pass in any major hospital five years down the road. Just sit back, and let your imagination create the picture as your read on.

Sam is getting up in years, and some of the bodily parts he used to depend on seem to be wearing out and not working as good as they used to when he was in his thirties. His eyes are fading and blurry, due to the onset of cataracts. His limp has become more pronounced.

He can’t seem to get it up anymore.

He has to get up five to six times a night to pee, and without a full night’s sleep he wakes up grouchy and still tired instead of rolling over upon waking up, and making violent love to his wife, he looks forward to getting out of bed, going to the bathroom and having a good bowel movement. This alone can make his whole day. Things just seem to be going downhill much faster than before.

Thoughts on Approaching My 81st Birthday

However, in Sam’s favor, medicine has entered a new era. No one is dying at those earlier ages that we knew before. But, bodily parts still wear out and sometimes cease to function. Medical Schools have added an entire new curriculum to the profession of medicine.

Parts Department: “If It’s Broke… We’ll Replace It!”

“If it wears out, we’ll replace it”, followed by, “If it’s not in stock, we’ll order one today.” That followed by, “If our supplier is out of stock, we’ll call our machine shop downstairs, and they will turn one out tomorrow.” The new motto now is, “If it’s broke… we’ll replace it!”

So Sam, upon a friend’s advice, heads for the nearest hospital, and upon entering finds the Information desk. Inquiring as to where the Parts Department is, the young lady in charge of that information tells Sam, “Head down hallway ‘A’ and follow it to the end. Turn right and it will be the first set of double doors on your right.”

Her cheerful attitude seems to put a little more confidence into Sam’s slow shuffling walk down the long hallway.

Upon arriving at the double doors, after being mistaken for a patient a few times, he notices the doors are brilliantly lit. He hears soft music from behind the doors. Sam timidly enters and as soon as he does, a loud fanfare blares out, confetti starts raining down, and a glaring spotlight hits him full in the face.

A receptionist, a 20 on a scale of 10, rushes over to him, smothers him with a bear hug, kisses him soundly, and exclaims….”WHOEVER YOU ARE… YOU ARE THE WINNER!! YOU ARE THE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER AND TODAY IS YOUR DAY. EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS FREE!!! Horns are blowing in the background… music fills the air…Sam is covered in confetti… and is overwhelmed beyond words. He backs away from the gorgeous hunk of femininity facing him and states, ” I’m not sure what I need, but a friend of mine said was the place to come to. I just feel like I’m falling apart slowly. What do I have to do?”

“Do!” exclaims this beautiful woman. There’s nothing for you to do but order out of our catalog. Remember when you were just a young boy, and your mother would let you look through the Sears Roebuck catalog, like it was your “wish book.”

In our wisdom, we knew that old catalog would be very familiar to you, and bring back good memories, so we’ve patterned our catalog just like Sears. Except our catalog lists all of the replacement body parts you will ever need. Just look it over, tell us what you need, and all your dreams will come true. Look upon me as the good Fairy! Almost everything today can be replaced right here. If we don’t have it in stock, we’ll order it for you. Some overstock items have been reduced in price for our regular customers, but make sure you look those over too. Sam, everything for you in a “No Charge,” so live it up! You lucky devil!”

Sam sat there stunned, overwhelmed, and unable to speak! Betty (our receptionist’s name) handed Sam the large catalog, weighing in at six and a half pounds, and fully illustrated. Betty smiled sweetly at Sam and said, “If you need help, just ask. I should mention that we try to have you look through the catalog with the following categories in mind. Sex, Food, Sports, Hobbies, Travel, plus a catchall category at the end. I will give you a category, and you can tell me what parts you want replaced, so you can again function as you did when you were thirty. OK?

Sam didn’t have a total grasp of what was happening, but it all sounded good to him. No one had mentioned items like Barium Enemas yet…bypasses…prostate resections …colostomies …gall bladder removals….or catheters. Bedpans had not entered the conversation, so things must be good! Betty had even used the word “FREE”…. Which is a good word for lay people. Other words like “It’s on the house”…. “no cost”…were great buzzwords for Sam. Things were looking on the bright side. other bad words like, “Leave your first born until the bill is paid in full”…. Or, “How about taking out a second mortgage”…. Had not come up. All good so far!

Betty took Sam by the arm, and led him to a large lounge chair. Lights were softened, the cushions deep, and Betty whispered in his ear, ” Would you like a drink Sam?”

“Drink?” …. stammered Sam. “What do you have?”

Betty suggested, ” How about a Vodka Martini…. Shaken, not stirred!” Poor Sam was overwhelmed. With the Martini in hand, Sam laid back, relaxed, and wondered what was next.

Betty sat down on a hassock in front of Sam. Reaching across she gently took his hand in hers, and slowly stroking it, asked, ” Sam, I’m going to get a little personal now, do you mind?”

Sam’s voice quavered a little in reply, ” No, ask me anything you would like to.”

Betty gazed longingly in Sam’s eyes and whispered, ” Can you still get it up?”

Sam sadly shook his head, and said, ” God… it’s been like forever!”

Betty gave him an understanding smile, and nodded her head. “How would you like to be the stallion you once were…. screw until the cows come home…make love to her until she cries “enough! Do you think you would like that Sam? AND IT’S FREE … NO CHARGE…. JUST FOR YOU THIS DAY… OUR VERY OWN MILLIONTH CUSTOMER!!!

Sam screamed, “What are you talking about???”

“What A Way to Go!”

Betty coyishly smiled and gave Sam a knowing wink. ” It’s a VIAGRA drip! on the job 24/7! Attached to your waist, and ready to go at a moments notice. Just hit a convenient switch, the drip starts flowing into your body, the erection builds, and your wife will probably faint after the fifth orgasm! If you want to rest, just turn the switch to “Idle.” Batteries are not included, but the liquid VIAGRA come in three convenient doses.. “Just Tonight”! “Three times would be good!” and, “What a way to go!!!”

Hey, Cutie Pie. I’ve got Viagra!

Sam could not believe what he was hearing. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, his breath was coming in short gasps, and he started to sob. “Is this true?” he asked.

Betty stroked his hand gently and said, “I’ve got over 4000 of these units in stock and can have you hooked up, ready to rock and roll, in ten Minutes. Shall I get one for you?”

Sam fell to his knees and pleadingly said, ” Would you!”

That accomplished, Betty then asked Sam what his hobbies were. Sam said, “I used to be a six handicap on the golf course, but my knees are shot, so I’ve given the game up.”

Betty replied, “Two new knees, No problemo.” Betty then asked, “Peeing much during the night?”

“Six to seven times, at least.”

“OK, new prostate for you then,” was Betty’s retort. “How’s your eyesight?” she asked.

Sam replied, “So bad that I thought God was helping me along, by turning on the light in the bathroom, every time I had to pee, until my wife informed me I was peeing in the refrigerator.”

Betty responded, “OK, we’ll put you in for two new 20/20 lenses then. Been feeling depressed ?”

“So bad, there were times I wanted to take the gas pipe!” Sam responded.

Betty smiled and said, “Hey, we’ll put you down for a Prozac drip also, on the job like Viagra,.24/7. If you start feeling lousy, why just hit the Prozac drip and you’ll be on top of the world again.”

Betty added, ” Listen, as long as we’ve got you here, I’ll have them do a liposuction! Take about thirty pounds off around the tummy, pump up the deltoids a little, firm up your ass, maybe a small hair implant, And you’ll be running that Viagra switch into overtime. Then there’s some medication that I’m going to give you that will add four to five inches to your tool…. It’s been idle to long!”

Sam sat there stunned! Could not believe what was in store for him. Everything was on the house! FREE! Unbelievable. Years lay ahead of him full of total enjoyment. A life he would savor until he went to his grave! The great God of replacement parts was going to be his Savior!

Could it get any better than this??? He thought not. Until Betty slid one arm up around his shoulder and softly whispered in his ear,

“We have a test bench in the other room, and we never release a patient until we are positively, 100%, sure that our replacements work totally and without fail! And to your satisfaction. As I am in charge of quality control, it’s up to me to insure that everything works, Another Martini, Sam?”

Yes we all owe so much to the field of medicine. Our total well being will guaranteed with 100% American made replacement parts. Full warranty and field tested by the best! While our luck, may not match Sam’s, we can rest assured that if we do our job, and contact our people in Congress, we can have all of this covered by Medicare. We no longer need fear the surgeon’s scalpel, skimpy hospital gowns, the cold steel of the bedpan, or the solid gurney. When something stops working, we think like NAPA. Go to the nearest parts department and put in for a new one. Whatever it was!


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