Readers Comments

Flo & Moe Answer Senior’s Most Pressing Problems

Senior Problems

To readers who want both sides of every question: Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers’ deepest senior problems and concerns. Here’s yet another service from Suddenly Senior.


CLICKER BLUES

Dear Suddenly Senior,

After 52 years of marriage, my ever-loving spouse still cannot get it through his thickening head that I don’t want to watch his dull, boring TV shows. My “Mr. Clicker” switches channels so often and fast I wonder if he has Parkinson’s. His one talent in life is to click through 200 channels and find the dreariest program available.
-FLIPCRAZYTV Remote Cartoon


FLO SAYS: First, we are talking about a man. You must know, dear, that men begin this behavior as boys, perfecting it through the years.

Genetics determine that they can focus only on ESPN, CNN, and other mind-numbing programming. Husbands flipping channels at a death-defying rate has driven many a wife to distraction, even mayhem.

Reader Responses: May Your Last Check Bounce Before You Die

Get another TV. And remote. Put them in a room as far away from that old boy as you can. Microwave popcorn. Don’t share. Happy trails.

MOE SAYS: How can you be so shallow as not to care about Nebraska linebackers, Preakness Stakes, and Tiger’s brand of underwear? Obviously, you suffer Clickers’ Envy and care only how The World Turns and where The Guiding Light shines. I’ll make my own popcorn, thank you.


TAKING STOCK IN MARRIAGE

Dear Suddenly Senior,

To make our retirement more comfortable, my stupid wife invested our nest egg in the hot stocks of the time: WorldCom, Global Crossing, Qwest and Tyco. We’re now broke, and I must go back to work at age 84. What do you think?
– PENNILESS IN PEORIA

Praises & Pans From Our Readers


FLO SAYS: Sounds like your old lady has the same luck in investments as she has with husbands. I suggest that you dig out your best smile and practice saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

MOE SAYS: Consider murder. If you can’t be a good example, be a horrible warning. How much life insurance does she have?


SENIOR DISCOUNT DILEMMA

Dear Suddenly Senior,

Hip, hip, hurray for the senior discount! I’ve already saved $83 this year. And those early-bird specials are cheaper than my cooking. Is it wrong to eat the 3 p.m. special at the Busy Bee to save a buck or two?
-EARLY BIRD ROBIN


FLO SAYS: I still can’t figure out why sales clerks don’t ask for proof of age. How anyone can believe that I qualify for senior discounts is beyond me.

MOE SAYS:
We’ll see you at the Bee. They have great mashed potatoes.


SERENDIPITOUS DIAPER DALLIANCE

Dear Suddenly Senior,

I’ve been married to the same man for over 60 years and never strayed. Then, last week, I had the most amazing, wild and compassionate sex with another man, a complete stranger I met while buying diapers at the drugstore. He and I both use Depends, can you imagine the coincidence? We got to talking, and the next thing we knew, we were at his assisted-living residence feeding each other Cherry ice cream. That turned out to be a slippery slope, and I was soon in bed with him.

My question: Do you think sharing the same brand of diapers is foundation enough for an affair at my age?
-DRY IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES


FLO SAYS: Go for it, honey! After 55 years with one man, you deserve to spread your wings. Just watch that, in the heat of passion, your Velcro strips don’t get stuck to his.

MOE SAYS: How would you feel if your husband found someone special to share his Extra Hold Fixodent? Ah, that’s the bite. Perhaps you can push the old man to infidelity, the four of you ending up in an orgy, octogenarian-style. Do write and tell what it’s like.


AN OCCASIONAL FEATURE

To readers who want both sides of every question:
Here’s yet another service from Suddenly Senior.
Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers’ deepest concerns.


MUSIC LOVERS?

Dear Suddenly Senior,Jalapenos Cartoon

Why is it, every time my husband drives my car to get the gas tank filled, he readjusts the seat, uses all my Kleenex, leaves his half-full coffee cup in the console and worst of all, changes all my pre-programmed radio stations? Why can’t he just leave well enough alone and remember that this is My Car, not his? -LINCOLN LOUISE


FLO SAYS: Start taking your car to get gas and get it washed yourself. You are a big girl and can certainly handle that chore without having your husband do it. Small price to pay not to have your sacred vehicle disturbed.

MOE SAYS:  Well, “Complaining Cassie,” is this the thanks you give him for all that he does for you? And besides, I’ll bet you have terrible taste in music.


ONE HOT MAMA

Dear Suddenly Senior:

Yesterday, in the supermarket, some old wrinkled, creepy codger, much older than myself, winked at my wife and said, “Hi cutie, can I buy you a drink?” How dare he try to make out with my wife? –OFFENDED IN OKLAHOMA


FLO SAYS: Men do this to me all the time. It is because I AM a cutie and I suspect your wife is too. By the way, that wrinkled, creepy old codger is 10 years younger than you.

MOE SAYS: Talk to this guy. Perhaps you can get a good deal on a trade in.


LOOK FAT?

Dear Suddenly Senior,

Hip, hip, hurray for the senior discount! I’ve already saved $83 this year. And those early-bird specials are cheaper than my cooking. Is it wrong to eat the 3 p.m. special at the Busy Bee to save a buck or two? -EARLY BIRD ROBIN


FLO SAYS: I still can’t figure out why sales clerks don’t ask for proof of age. How anyone can believe that I qualify for senior discounts is beyond me.

MOE SAYS:
We’ll see you at the Bee. They have great mashed potatoes.


SHOPPING SPREE

Dear Suddenly Senior:

Since his retirement, my husband insists on going along when ever I go out.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s for groceries, to gas up the car, or even when I’m trying to shop for shoes. He says he gets bored at home and wants to spend as much time as possible with “His Little Lady.”

Oh brother! When we get to the store, he does a running commentary on which brand is best, insists on reading all the labels in the grocery store, and loudly accuses the butcher of charging extra for the meat by weighing his thumb and the wrapping paper.

It’s even worse when we go shopping for his clothing. He refuses to try anything on, just grabbing whatever is handiest, regardless of size or style, and of course, never would think of returning anything.

And when he accompanies me shopping for clothes, he tells me everything I want to buy either makes me look fat, or that I have one just like it in my closet. The man has no idea what I have in my closet and just enjoys being a pain in the ass. What can I do? – DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE


FLO SAYS: Hey honey, wait till he takes his daily nap, run as fast as you can out to your car, hop in, drive away and leave the old boy on the couch. Not only will you not have to put up with the idiot, but think of all the others who will be spared his “frugality and wisdom.”

No longer will you have to try to resist slapping him silly. Shoe sales are not meant for men. Find a gay gentleman to take along and learn how to really look good.

MOE SAYS: What are you complaining about? After all, most guys I know never are considerate enough to shop with their wives. You need someone along to tell you that you don’t need that. Think of all the dough you’ll save, thanks to your ever-lovin’ hubby.

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