It’s truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when young scholars around the world retell them. Here is an excerpt from a chapter in a new book called: Fractured English, published by Pocket Books.
The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.
The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son? My punishment is greater than I can bare.”
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Arc. But she only answered to Jean because she could not speak English. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Saddam and Gomorrah were twins. Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed in the Earthquakes (and fire) of 1906 & 1989.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bulrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. (When Adam told Eve to “eat the apple” she slapped him.)
The Fifth Commandment is humoring thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. She sang Acapulco, because opera and instruments hadn’t been invented yet.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger wrapped in swaddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
We know the Magi arrived with the shepherds because every Christmas we see pictures of them together. The Church won’t let people lie at Christmas.
Simon was called Peter-it was like a nickname.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonian did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned. Paul got hit on the head, Jesus had his head washed and oiled.
Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”
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