Categories: Humor

Best New Jokes Compilation: Mostly Old Jokes

Welcome to Suddenly Senior’s All-Time Best New Jokes of the Week Compilation. Enjoy our ridiculously large list of jokes compiled over the last 10+ years.

Check out our other jokes pages:


INSURANCE

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”


BEACH BUM

Martha and Betty were at lunch in their Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”

Martha asks, “What do you do about it?”

Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”


AT THE HOTEL

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”


MAKING LOVE

An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.

She says, “You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand”.

Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she says, “After that, you used to kiss me softly”.

Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.

Thirty seconds later she says, “Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck”.

Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“To get my teeth!”


BUS RIDE

A senior citizen’s group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d been molested too. The bus driver decides that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” says the bus driver.

“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.”


AT THE MUSEUM

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!”

“I know”, says her friend, “And cold, too!”


VISITING THE GRANDCHILDREN

An elderly couple decides to go and visit their grandson living in California.

The grandfather while shaving one day, notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet.

That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.

The grandson was hesitate about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different excuses why he shouldn’t test the drug, which made no difference to the old man, since his mind was made up.

Finally he says, “Besides gramps, those pills cost $8.00 a piece”.

“I don’t care”, says the old man, “I want to try it”

With that, the grandson hands the old man one powerful blue pill.

The next day after work, the grandson finds $108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.

The old man explains, “I didn’t, I only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.


FORE

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”


THERE IS A LESSON HERE

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.

She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.

I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say anything.

So, she said, I’ll go upstairs to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment, watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt. I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn’t.


Some people are alive only because
it’s illegal to kill them.


I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.


He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless dead.


The gene pool
could use a little chlorine.


Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps


Being “over the hill”
is much better than being under it


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance


The trouble with life is there’s no background music.


CRIME WAVE

Gasoline prices have gotten so high, crooks are knocking over service stations and demanding “your unleaded or your life.”


GAS PRICE COMPARISONS

  1. Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
  2. Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
  3. Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
  4. Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
  5. Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
  6. Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
  7. STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
  8. Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
  9. Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
  10. Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
  11. Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump,I guess you should be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil, Scope or Whiteout!



HOT DATE

Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change?

He drove her to the corner gas station.



FLIGHT FUEL

A British Airways flight in Chicago couldn’t take off Thursday until the pilot got the passengers to chip in twenty bucks apiece for gas.



OUR SYMPATHY

“Some sad news — King Fahd has died and, in respect, the Saudi family lowered the flag and raised oil prices.” –Jay Leno



REALLY BAD!

There was a crowd of bees flying around. These bees were a bit different as they were powered by gasoline.

As the swarm along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.

One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.

When he rejoined the crowd, his bee buddy said: “Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?”

He replied, “Well, it’s like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don’t like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That’s even worse.

But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. It’s really true. There’s an Esso Bee in every crowd!”



NECESSARY INFORMATION
(a service of Suddenly Senior)

Ever wondered where a driver is from? Wonder no more.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside

• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio

• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Washington (Seattle)

• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas (male)

• One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female)

• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas

• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the right blinker on: Florida.




MY PIGGY BANK AFTER I FILLED UP


GOOD GUESS

A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so Clem, the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. Clem told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Bubba guessed 8, and Clem said, “Yours shore enough close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, Bubba, along with Bobby Sue, his blond girlfriend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Clem again asked him to guess the correct number.

Bubba guessed 2 this time. Again Clem said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Bubba said to Bobby Sue, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bobby Sue replied, No it ain’t, Honey. It ain’t rigged, I won twice last week.”



GETTING GASSED
(this week’s obligatory blond joke)

A tired trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.



SEX?

Gas prices are affecting my sex life.

With prices almost at $3 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius.


ONE MORE ADVANTAGE OF THE “GOLDEN YEARS”!!!

My neighbour was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late model car, that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.

He rushed to help the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

“My goodness” he exclaimed:

“You appear quite elderly, to be driving!!”

“Well, yes I am!!” she replied proudly.

“I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a license anymore!!…

The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.

He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket.

“You won’t be needing this anymore!!” he said.

“So I thanked him and left!!..”


A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.


THE GOLD URINAL

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some
campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just
think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed
Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:

“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”


Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.


ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

• His people would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”

• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”

• “He would argue with a signpost”

• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”

• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”

• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”

• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”

• “One neuron short of a synapse”

• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”


Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.


AMISH REPAIR

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.


Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things –

• The bartender is a blonde girl.

• The bouncer is a blonde gal.

• I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

• The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

• The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”


Never buy a car you can’t push.


HOW I SPENT MY VACATION WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

• We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

• They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

• They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

• There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

• At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

• My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

• Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

• My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

• When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?”

“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “But we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now he was special!”

With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!”


When everything’s coming your way,
you may be in the wrong lane.


HEALTH NEWS

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.


THE FALL

Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.

“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”

“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”

“I won’t be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”

“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”

“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


TRUE FANATIC

A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No, “he says. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”


The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It’s like a human jumping a football field.


A TRIFECTA OF BEST JOKES FOR THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER

WIN:


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee): n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik): n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

  1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
  4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  8. There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
  9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head,
before it starves to death.


SHOW:

$10 IS $10

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.


An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.


SEX AT 90

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”


I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.


CAJUN FUNERAL

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, “When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”

Jacque said: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Fouché commented: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Boudreaux said: “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s movin!’ ”


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.


WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ”

The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

Is Florida great or what?


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


SENILITY: DEFINED

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car.


THE SHIPWRECKED REDNECK

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze–perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”


A woman is like a tea bag…

You don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.


OF THE FORMERLY RICH HOULIHANS

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”


I have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career.


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS

I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare,
I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man.

“Republican,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the
same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican”.

The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.

“Democrat ” I shouted.

“Hop in!” replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

“What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”


Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked …”Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen


HOW FATHER’S DAY CAME TO BE

Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a “father’s day” in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd’s mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child.

Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.

The first Father’s Day was observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane Washington. At about the same time in various towns and cities across American other people were beginning to celebrate a “father’s day.”

In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father’s Day.

Finally in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day. Father’s Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all honored on Father’s Day.


The best contraceptive for old people
is nudity.


GOING TO DISNEYWORLD

“Hey Grandpa!, Can you make a noise like a frog?”

“I think I can do that. Why?”

“‘Cuz Dad says when you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld”


Take everything in moderation.
Including moderation.


EVOLUTION

First Child: Rush child to the emergency room. Spend the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: Bandage the cut. Spend the next two hours rocking child to relieve the pain.

Third Child: Bandage the cut, tell child to go play.

Fourth Child: Bandage the cut.


The advice your son rejected
is now being given by him to your grandson.


TIME OUT

A dad was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old. They were discussing geography.

“Where does mommy live?”

“Minneapolis.”

“Where does grandma live?“

“Baltimore.”

“Where does grandpa live?”

“Baltimore.”

“And where does daddy live?”

“At work!”

He took the next day off to spend with his daughter.


Fathers often talk about the younger generations
as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.


TOP TEN THINGS DAD WILL NEVER SAY

  1. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
  3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that.
  4. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY.
  5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
  6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
  7. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies, you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
  9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  10. Father’s Day? No Big deal.

I used up all my sick days,
so I’m calling in dead.


FAMILY LOOP

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!


Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.


POOR SEAGULL

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”


That guy is so old he shops at
EXTREMELY OLD NAVY.


READ THE LABEL

Johnny went with his father to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.

“How do you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” Johnny replied, “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”


Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up,
he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.


BEDTIME STORY

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”


Don’t look back,
they might be gaining on you.


FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

“A father is a banker provided by nature.”
– French Proverb.

“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
– English Proverb.

Mean fathers, wasteful sons.
– French Proverb

Some fathers love another man’s daughter most.
– French Proverb

My fathers planted for me, and I planted for my children.
– Hebrew Proverb

Friendship reminds us of fathers, love of mothers.
– Malagasy Proverb

There are many fathers, but only one mother.
– Russian Proverb

Victory has 100 fathers and defeat is an orphan.
– Traditional Proverb

The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell on their knees; then they fell upon the aborigines.
– American Proverb


It’s not hard to meet expenses,
they’re everywhere


A TRIFECTA OF OUR FAVORITE FATHER’S DAY JOKES


WIN


GRAY HAIR?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “no.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”


Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun


PLACE:


NEW AND IMPROVED

Sally, aged 3, was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a good-night story.

From time to time, she would take her eye’s off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, “Granddaddy, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh she said,” then “Granddaddy, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed honey” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”

“Oh” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, Sally observed, “God’s getting better at it now isn’t he?”


Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.


SHOW:


OUR FAVORITE DAD LINES

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 5’8″ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.


I don’t want buns of steel.
I want buns of cinnamon.


BOB HOPE ONE-LINERS

ON TURNING 70 “You still chase women, but only downhill”.

ON TURNING 80 “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100 “I don’t feel old. In .fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING “I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”

ON SAILORS “They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure.”

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.”

ON GOLF “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON PRESIDENTS ” I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”


I spent a fortune on deodorant
before I realized that people
didn’t like me anyway.


GET RELIGION

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.


I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me,
they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping
God grades on the curve.


LIFE

Is all about ass,
you’re either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it, ….
or trying to get a piece of it.


Employment application blanks always ask
‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’
I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!


WHAT’S WRITTEN ON YOUR FOREHEAD?

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily. “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a GE Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” to which he replied – “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Defy written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says “then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” “I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have FEDs DIY written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, how’d all this get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… do you see Albany’s Bakery written on my forehead?”


I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!


REDNECK WITH A HOT DATE

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ dem rubbers gonna cost me?”

The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.”

To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves.”


I thought about making a fitness movie,

for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust.”


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

(I’ll bet she forgot to put his Driver’s License in the box.)


I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans!


10 POLITE WAYS OF TELLING A GUY HE NEEDS TO ZIP UP

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
  3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  4. Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.
  5. Elvis has left the building.
  6. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  7. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
  8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  9. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
  10. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”

I was thinking about old age and decided
that it is ‘when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it’.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, and a blonde went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “What is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven,” she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” Then the sheriff asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”.

“Today and tomorrow.” replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

The sheriff replied, “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do — write to these men?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?


Ads seen in “The Villages” Florida newspaper:
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar opened!”


FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


HONEST ABE

Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-grade class.

I’d included an extra-credit question: List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.

One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


A FEW MORE

Birds of a feather flock together, and shit on your car.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.


SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


MEANWHILE, HERE IN FLORIDA

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, MAKE IT A MEMORABLE ONE


WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.


TO THE REALLY WISE MAN

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.

My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”


BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MUTUAL ORGASM

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”


MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.


HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee,
cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.


DEAD TED

Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”


A TRIFECTA OF THE FACTS

WIN

HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION (A Must-Read)

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


PLACE

STANDARDS (More from Florida)

Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”


SHOW

DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN: Another helpful suggestion

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.

“Go away” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”

The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”


STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Hector and Janet were 85 years old and had been married for 60 year.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to Hector. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

Hector pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Hector glared at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago !!!!!


THEY SAID THE ECONOMY IS BOUNCING BACK.
WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM. SO ARE MY CHECKS.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Two weeks ago was my 50th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy birthday!” She’d probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn’t even good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you. I then thought to myself, I’m positive the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t even say a word. So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss and Happy Birthday!” And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until about noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. “Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go to where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had 2 martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office right away, do we?” I said “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and get in to something more comfortable.”

“Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of our friends, all loudly singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there on the couch… NAKED.


IF YOU ARE GOING TO WORRY, DON’T DO IT.
IF YOU DO IT, DON’T WORRY.


ELDERLY HONEYMOON

Luigi and Virginia both aged 72, were married.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treepa?”

Luigi said, “Everytinga wasa perfecto except for the traina ride down.”

“Whata you nean, Luigi?”

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vina, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everything wasa Okey Dokey until we gotta hungry and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, ‘no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.”

“So me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.”

“So, we go to club car, While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar, The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, ‘No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car.”

“We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go aboomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, ‘Nofolka, Virginia! Nofolka, Virginia!”

“Next time, I’ma gonna take a da bus!”


REEVALUATE YOUR GOALS WITH AN EYE TOWARDS BALANCE.
SETTING GOALS IN ONE OR TWO AREAS OF YOUR LIFE,
WHILE FORGETTING THE OTHERS,
IS LIKE TRYING TO ROW A BOAT WITH ONLY ONE OAR.


HARVEY AND GLADYS

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.

Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!”

She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.”

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue.


BEFORE GIVING SOMEONE A PIECE OF YOUR MIND,
BE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO SPARE.


NEW CAR TIME

If my body were a car, I’d be thinking about trading it in for a new model. I’ve got lots of dents and bumps and my paint job is getting dull.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother’s old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.

Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry’s opened a shop in my neighborhood.

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I’ve been many places and seen many things, but when’ s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I’m burning fuel at an inefficient rate.

But here’s the worst of it – almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter – I leak oil. I’m so ready for a trade in!


A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND.


EULOGY

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had seven more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she married yet again and this time had five more children. Again, her husband died. Then alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”


SEX IS A MISDEMEANOR.
THE MORE I MISS IT, THE MEANER I GET.


A TRIFECTA OF GROWING PAINS JOKES

WIN

GREAT SEX

The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The old Jewish man replies: “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”


I ALMOST HAD A PSYCHIC GIRLFRIEND.
BUT, SHE LEFT ME BEFORE WE MET.


PLACE

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Joe says to his eighty-year old buddy Sam, “So I hear you are getting married?

“Yep!” says Sam. “Next Saturday!”

Joe asks, “This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well,” replies Sam.

“Does she have lots of money?”

“No, poor as a church mouse.”

Joe persists, “Well then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

Sam chuckles, “She can still drive at night.”


IT HAS OFTEN BEEN SAID THAT

“TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,”
BUT WHY NOT APPROACH IT WITH THE SAME CARE AND RESPECT

AS YOU WOULD IF IT WERE YOUR LAST?


SHOW

DAFFINITIONS

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.


IF A MAN HAS ENOUGH HORSE SENSE

TO TREAT HIS WIFE LIKE A THOROUGHBRED,

SHE WILL NEVER TURN INTO AN OLD NAG.


SENIOR MOMENT

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these.

“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s the golden years.


About Women:

Girls have an unfair advantage over men;

if they can’t get what they want by being smart,

they can get it by being dumb.


PERIOD.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something ‘exciting’ and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a period,” he replied.

“I can see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so ‘exciting’ about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” he said, “but this morning my sister was ‘missing’ one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Army.


About Men:

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.


YAAAH

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota, Swen and Ole, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Swen and Ole objected strongly. “Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck Swen asked Ole, “Any idea where we are?”

“Yaaah,” says Ole. “I tink we’s pretty close to where we crashed last year.”


About Women:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.


LIKELY STORY

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.

“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.

“Your kids?” asked the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”

“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”

“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”

“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.

“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.

“Sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”

“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”

“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”


About Men:

All men are not homeless, but some men are home, less than others.


PROPER PLACEMENT PLEASE

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir,” replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered.”


About Women:

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.


ANOTHER ONE
FOR THE HUNTERS OUT THERE

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, Roy said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Ernest shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

Roy says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”


About Men:

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.


PISSING AND MOANING

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which proves the fact that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


About Women:

Women have a passion for mathematics.

They divide their age in half,

double the price of their clothes,

and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.


EVE TALKS TO GOD

Barney and Betty were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter’s graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.

Barney found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son Bill about using one of the pills.

Bill said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Barney.

“Around $10.00 a pill,” answered Bill.

“I don’t care,” said Barney, “I’d still like to try one, we’ll be leaving early in the morning, so I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

Later the next morning, Bill found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Barney on his cell phone and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

“I know,” said Barney. “The hundred is from your Mother.”


About Men:

Why do men like intelligent women?

Because opposites attract.


MARRIAGE COUNSELING

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish.”


About Women:

Brigands demand your money or your life,

women require both.


A TRIFECTA OF HIS AND HERS JOKES

WIN

WOMAN’S WORK

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled On the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a large pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a large flow of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”


PLACE

LONG STORY

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.

The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn’t want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night.

She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long”, he said as they drove away.”Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.”

“Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.


SHOW

VASELINE?

An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.”

“If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.”

“I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”


About Men:

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.

The rest cheat in Europe.


THE ART OF MAKING LOVE

Three men from different countries were talking about their sex lives.

The Italian says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes”.

The Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Jewish man says, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!”


Some women get excited about nothing,

and then marry him.


SILENCE IS GOLDEN

Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.

All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”

His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, “You better think it over women like that are hard to find.”


Divorce – from the Latin word meaning

to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.


FATHERLY LOVE

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar and a bottle of whiskey.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the floor.


Always remember: one good turn
gets most of the blankets.


WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to Himself, “There’s something he’s needing.'”

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T‘was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.


Everyone needs to be loved,
Especially when they don’t deserve it.


HORMONE GUIDE FOR MEN

We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


PMS DICTIONARY

  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweatpants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff.

Marriage means commitment.
Of course, so does insanity.


EVE TALKS TO GOD

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.

I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord? ”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring … so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. Woman to woman.”


Bisexuality doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night.


A TRIFECTA OF OUR FAVORITE LOVERLY JOKES

WIN

AT THE DRUG STORE

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy. I
can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the
law!

I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all
kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked a the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


PLACE

WORKS WELL

Sally, Betty, and Jo Ann were all getting married. Sally and Betty were from the city, Jo Ann from the country.

They met at the marriage counselor‘s office to discuss the options of having or not having children right away.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait.

All three said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait for several years.

The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “the rhythm method.”

“That will work,” said the counselor, “if you keep a good record.”

He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills,” she said.

Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.”

He then asked the Jo Ann what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was, “The pail and saucer method.”

After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant. Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet.

The counselor asked Sally what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second Betty what method she used. She replied, “The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too, am going to have a baby.

He turned to Jo Ann and said, “I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don’t have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?

Jo Ann replied, “Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.”


SHOW

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

“Tomorrow,” his wife angrily told him, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!”

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

His funeral is on Saturday at 2 p.m.


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.
“Yes” is the answer.



ODE TO SPAM
by Charlie Johnston

Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up –
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there’s no one around –
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I’ve tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig’s feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam – the taste, the smell –
The sacred meat product from Hormel.


Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I’ve forgotten this before.



POTTY MOUTH

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”


I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t

accidentally walk through into another dimension



HERE IN FLORIDA

Jim, an elderly man living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening Jim decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

Jim made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Jim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”


I like to skate on the other side of the ice.



THIS WEEK’S LESSON. Pay attention!

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on the poor donkey.” The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.”

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.


My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.
So I’m going to move to New York.


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


THE ART OF ADVERTISING

Josie and Flo, both prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sigh that read: “JESUS SAVES”

Josie asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

Josie and Flo frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day, the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which read: ‘JOSIE AND FLO. TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00’


I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.”
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


I’D WALK A MILE

Marge and Barb are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Marge pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Barb asks, “What in the hell is that?

Marge answers, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Barb says, “Great idea. Where did you get it?”

Marge says, “You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, Barb hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Barb says,”Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”


When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.


FLYING BLIND

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”

And the blind man said he just wanted to have the experience.

So off through the skies they went! All of a sudden the pilot had a heart attack and passed out.

The blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, “Help, help, I’m a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!”

A voice came over the speaker that said, “If you are a blind man, how do you know you’re upside down?”

The blind man said, “Because crap is running out of my collar!!”


You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?


PATIENCE

A cop was patrolling at night at a well-known lover’s lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

“What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 23, sir.”

“And her … what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”


It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.


WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat…

10% of women think their ass is too skinny…

The other 65% say that they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway…


I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…


READY FOR A BLOND JOKE?

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet…

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I’ve changed my will three times!’


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.


TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’


OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


AN ELDERLY COUPLE

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


HOSPITAL REGULATIONS

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


COUPLE IN THEIR NINETIES

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’


If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


A SENIOR CITIZEN

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’


The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.


THREE OLD GUYS

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer…’


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


NEW HEARING AID

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty…’


Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.


HOT MAMA

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’


I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


CRUSHED NUTS?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



GOLFERS GET THIS

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor tells her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sex three times a week. A little embarrassed, she says, “Please tell my husband.”

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”

The doctor answered, “Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal.”

The husband said, “I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she’ll have to take the bus.”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.



NEW DRIVING STUDY

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “S**t!”

Only the states of Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.



GENDER ROLES

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

“Land mines,” said the Kuwaiti woman.


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:

You sing along with elevator music.


WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot..

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
People call at 9 PM and ask,
“Did I wake you?”



PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You have a party and the neighbors
don’t even realize it.


POLITICIANS SEE NOTHING UNUSUAL OR FUNNY ABOUT THIS

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the lady.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the head of state.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the head of state. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You have a party and the neighbors
don’t even realize it.



AND, A MORE REALISTIC VIEW OF HEAVEN

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates. “Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?” says God.

“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand.”

God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” He says. “For just two people, does it pay to cook?”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can’t remember them either.


AND FINALLY, THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

Blonde on a Diet

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


NOW WHAT?

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


OH, GOD!

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength .. and the tools .. to cross this river.” Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give! me the strength and the tools …and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You sing along with elevator music.


RAIL TRAVEL

Old Rudy was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand.

After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process, mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

Sarah was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?”

“Oh, no,” Rudy replied. “It’s just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes.”

“But why, sir,” asked Sarah, “Do you keep raising your hand?”

“Well,” said Rudy, “That’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that one before.”


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You quit trying to hold your stomach in,

no matter who walks into the room.


THE DAMNED ART OF FALLING APART

There’s quite an art to falling apart
as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40.
That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner,
my body is not;
The few teeth I have
are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub,
not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s
all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past,
every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing
10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea,
what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary,
like I do every day;
If my names not there,
I’ll once again start –
Perfecting the art
of falling apart.


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN?

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead


PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.


FRED. DEAD.

A woman went into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died.”

Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown dead. 1983 pick-up for sale.'”


“The trouble with heart disease
is that the first symptom is
often hard to deal with – sudden death.”
Michael Phelps


ONE MORE TIME

The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.


“I’m not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen


BILL GATES MEETS HIS PROGRAMMER

Bill Gates died suddenly and finds himself face to face with God.

God stands over him and says, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America.

But you also created that ghastly Windows ’95 among other indiscretions. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before; I’ll let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?”

Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?”

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell first.”

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about.

A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven.”

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven.

Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

“So, how is everything going?” God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!!

I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place,with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?”

“That was the demo,” replied God.


“For three days after death, hair and fingernails”
continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
Johnny Carson


ANOTHER TEAR JERKER

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?”

“Sure. Get in line.”


“If your time hasn’t come,
not even a doctor can kill you.”
MA Perlstein


“If your time hasn’t come,
not even a doctor can kill you.”
MA Perlstein


OBITUARY

When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work,
I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Woody Allen


IT WAS A MIRACLE

A good-ol’-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: “Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly… It’s all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!”


“There are three natural anaesthetics:
Sleep, fainting, and death.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes


TWO ZOMBIES

Two zombies went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the first zombie.

“Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring him with you.”


“At my age, flowers scare me.”
George Burns


NOW WHAT?

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”


“Death is just nature’s way
of telling you to slow down.”
Dick Sharples


DEADLY!

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.

The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” And escaped. The teacher was then lead out.

The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”


“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

Mark Twain


THRIFTY. DEADLY.

At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning, Mrs. Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words.

“Yes,” she replied. “He said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin.”


“On the plus side,
death is one of the few things
that can be done as easily lying down.”
Woody Allen


DOIN’ THE HOKEY POKEY

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They put his left leg in.

Well, you know the rest.


“My luck is so bad
that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol


DEAD, REALLY REALLY, DEAD

“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the teacher. ”

“‘Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk.”

“Fred,” said the teacher. “You must have known that Wisk’s bad for parrots.”

“Oh it wasn’t the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier.”


Death is life’s way of telling you
you’ve been fired.


THIS WEEK’S BEST DEAD BLONDE JOKE

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


Good health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.


LIVING WILL

I, ______, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a _______ it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.

I don’t care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else’s life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

_______ Signature

_______ Witness

_______ DATE


You know what they say:

‘You don’t have to swim faster than the shark,

you just have to swim faster

than the person you’re with.’


FACTOIDS 4 U

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


MO’ FACTOIDS

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first “Marlboro Man.”

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not downstairs.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


BIRD FLU

A bear, a lion, and a chicken meet.

Bear says: “If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

Lion says: “And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is afraid of me.”

“Big deal!” says the chicken. “I only have to cough, and the whole planet freaks out.”


Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.


NEW WORDS FOR 2012:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

  1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
  3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
  4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
  5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
  6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
  7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
  9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
  12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example – Michael Jackson, another…
  13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap! out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  15. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,”
  16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
  17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
  18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.


I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.


WHEN A CORPORATION HIRES CANNIBALS

“You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, “You fool!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But nooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!”


Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have POWER SURGES!!


DRUNK AGAIN

A good-ol’-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band-aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: “Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly… It’s all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!”


Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.


HOW THE CHURCH IS CHANGING

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest.

“I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but that flashing neon sign, “‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell’ can’t stay on the church roof.”


Don’t go gray without bitchin’ all the way!


REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY KIDS ON SCIENCE TESTS…

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section”
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


Sometimes it helps to count to 10 on your fingers.
Or just one, if you know what I’m saying.


YET ANOTHER SECRET TO LONG LIFE

  1. Just one God.
  2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
  3. No tellin’ tales or gossipin’.
  4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
  5. Put nothin’ afore God.
  6. No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal.
  7. No killin.’
  8. Watch yer mouth.
  9. Don’t take what ain’t yers.
  10. Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think?
Y’all have a nice day.


Found something at the swimsuit shop I was
really comfortable in. The dressing room.


THE ONLY 11 TIMES THE F-WORD HAS BEEN ACCEPTABLE

11. “What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll…

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @#$%ing mad.” — Sadaam Hussein, 2003


I’m thinking of renewing my vow…

to never get married again.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a filefolder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now,” he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!”

“You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH ! ! ! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”


I work out every day. Mostly frustrations & anger.


OUR FAVORITE MAXINES FOR THIS WEEK

WIN:

I have a one-step program for dealing with stress.

Well, one step and a kick to be exact.

PLACE:

I’ll carpool when I can find three people who don’t talk,

sweat, whistle, or use cologne.


PERKS OF REACHING 50
OR BEING OVER 60
AND HEADING TOWARDS 70!

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
  4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
  9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
  10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
    room.
  13. You sing along with elevator music.
  14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
    service.
  17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them
    either.
  18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
  20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.

You know you’re getting older when…

Happy hour is a nap.


MEN: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or, Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.


Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:

the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


WHY GAS PRICES ARE SO HIGH RIGHT NOW

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer…..Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

Our dipsticks are in Washington DC


You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don’t know until the 4th of July.


WHEN A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth. The woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.

Surprised and disorientated he said: “Now why did you do that?”

She replied: “That is for 50 years of horrible sex”.

He sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says, “What was that for?”

He replied, that “is for knowing the difference.”


You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker

and you can’t get it started.


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.


NURSING HOME RULES

One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be cared for.

The next day, the nurse bathes her, feeds her a tasty breakfast and sets her in a chair overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once again bring her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies ..”Except they won’t let you fart.”


The aging process could only be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.


HOW GRAND IT IS…

– My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked,

“No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied

– When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not
sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandma!,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

– A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!”


It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.


TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT THE NEW MEDICARE BILL ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE…

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your Doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Rotor-Rooter®.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is ” An apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.


GIVE ‘EM HECK, SISTER

Two nuns, Sister Catherine, and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?” “Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine? “Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the #%@$ off the car!”


You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don’t have to go along.


SENIOR ROMANCE

They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.”

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”


Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”

But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but, you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”

The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads …

“WIN A BAGEL”


A BLONDE EASTER

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”


She was so blonde that:

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.


TO THE MOON

Susi and Sara, (both blondes) were sitting on a bench talking.

Sara says to Susi, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

Susi laughs and says “Come on. Can you see Florida?”


She was so blond that:

she thought a quarterback was a refund.


MEANWHILE, AT THE BAR

Joe walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll be unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.

The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped !!

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Joe stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try !!”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blond girl timidly spoke up: “I’ll try, but don’t hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle!”


She was so blonde that:

…she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

Betty, a West Texas cowboy’s blond wife came home just in time to find her husband, Sam, in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

Betty put Sam’s genitals in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

Sam was terrified, and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

Betty, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in Sam’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.”


She was so blond that:

…she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.


OLD AND FOXY BLONDE

Maude (a former blonde) and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the afterglow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”


She was so blonde that:

…under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”


HARDWARE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his blond wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.

Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Joe Bob yelled, “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”


She was so blonde that:

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here,” she put
Sagittarius.


BLONDE Q & A

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


She was so blonde that:

…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.


A BLONDE TRIFECTA

WIN

CAR ACCIDENT

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”


She was so blonde that:

…she tripped over a cordless phone.


PLACE

AT THE APPLIANCE STORE

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.


She was so blonde that:

…she sold the car for gas money.


SHOW

THE BLONDE COWBOY

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun
and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around
like this?’

The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff…

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to
go to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her
top and asks me to pull off my shirt…

So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…
So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts…so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to
town cowboy! ‘

‘And here I am.’

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist


She was so blonde that:

…it takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes.”


HELL YES, I’M IRISH


May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your
head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you’re dead.


NOTE: Read more Irish proverbs below

DID YOU KNOW?

The very first St. Patrick’s Day parade was not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737!

In Chicago, on St. Patrick’s Day, the Chicago River is dyed green!

Nine of the people who signed our Declaration of Independence were of Irish origin, and nineteen Presidents of the United States proudly claim Irish heritage including our first President, George Washington!

In Seattle, there is a ceremony where a green stripe is painted down the roads!


May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do–
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.


LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”


May you live as long as you want

and never want as long as you live.


IRELAND’S SPACE PROGRAM

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve ever put a man on the moon.”

“That’s nothing,” repled the Irishman, “We’re going to put a man on the sun.”

“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”

“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”


When the liquor was gone
the fun was gone.


He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.


THREE IRISH BROTHERS

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”


May your feet never sweat,
your neighbor give you ne’re a treat.
When flowers bloom, I hope you’ll not sneeze,
and may you always have someone to sqeeze!


GOLFING IN IRELAND

One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?”

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”


I-rish you a very nice place to live,
I-rish God’s greatest gifts he’ll give.
I-rish you health, and wealth, and more–
I-rish your smilin’ face were at my door!


MURPHY MEETS HIS MAKER

After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting for him.

Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I’ve got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy said, “The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we’re drinking to my impending end. I’ve only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

Murphy’s friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion…..”Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”


May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing.
The earth has angels all too few.
And heaven is overflowing.


AH, THE IRISH

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”


May the embers from the open hearth warm your hands,
May the sun’s rays from the Irish sky warm your face,
May the children’s bright smiles warm your heart,
May the everlasting love I give you warm your soul.


AN IRISH TRIFECTA

WIN

AN IRISH TOAST

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! And he fell asleep both times.”


Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for You!


PLACE

THE WEE FOLK

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you wee folk?” asked mother superior.

The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”

“No,” says mother superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”

“All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”

“No, No,” replied mother superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”

“Well then mother superior, in all of NunDom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?’

“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied mother superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about?”

The first leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it‘s as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”


May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.


SHOW

THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and had trouble finding gainful employment.

So she became a prostitute, and was extremely successful at it. She made lots of money, and regularly sent some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.

After a few years she decided it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.

Eventually she decided there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.

She arrived back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother was just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.

And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin‘ what have you been doin’ to earn all this money?

“Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”

Mother went white, clutched at her breast, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. The others in the pub bought her a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, and staggered back on her feet.

She faced her daughter. “Tell me again darlin‘ I want to hear you say it again, so I can‘t be sure I heard you right.”

The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!”

The old girl heaved a huge sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”


When the first light of sun-
Bless you.
When the long day is done-
Bless you.
In your smiles and your tears-
Bless you.
Through each day of your years-
Bless you.


SPECIAL CHURCH EDITION


VATICAN HUMOR

After getting Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the limo driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German)

‘Please slow down, your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop..

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’


OLDIE, BUT GOODIE

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”


ONCE A BAPTIST, ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.” .


THE MAGIC COW

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”


THE 3 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS (REPETITION IS GOOD FOR YOU!)

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


LITTLE LEROY WANTS A BIKE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, “Well, Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write to Jesus and pray for one instead.”

After his tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. Then, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again:

Dear Jesus, I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at the statue in the foyer.

All of a sudden he grabbed it and ran out of the church. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You Know Who


SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD”.

The Pastor said “SEX!” The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”


WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when CAN we see the baby?”

“WHEN IT CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN IT CRIES??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??”

“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it…”


PAROCHIAL JOKE

In Parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin… However, Instructors also advise that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the Truth differently without lying… Below is a perfect example of those Teachings… Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs… An attractive young Woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I Ask a favour?’ ‘Of course child… What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my Mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday… It is Unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate It… Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it Under your robes perhaps?’ ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn You, I will not lie.’**** ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will Question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first… The Official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of My head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought This answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your Waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father… Next!’****


GOOD SHORT CATHOLIC JOKES

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

————————————————————————-

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through
their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the
priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

————————————————————————-

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above
Timothy Murphy in all respects.

————————————————————————-

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who
would become the next Pope.

————————————————————————-

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

————————————————————————-

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

————————————————————————-

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

————————————————————————-

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”

————————————————————————-

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply.

————————————————————————-

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought
of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!


THE BIBLE SALESMAN

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles..

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 dollars I collected.”

The reverend responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.. “What is this?” the reverend exclaimed.
“Louie, there’s 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the reverend agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”


AH, THE IRISH

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”


SQUIRRELY PROBLEMS

A small town had two churches, a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their building. Each had a meeting on how to deal with the problem.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within three days, they were all back in the church.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Jews had their solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.


PUNS OF THE WEEK

Hypothetical Question

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder,

B) suicide, or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall.


WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

New York Times bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. “He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.”

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

* Moral of the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.


AGE VS. YOUTH

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his hen house. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old man. Time for you to retire!”

The old rooster replies, “Come now, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens in the corner over there?”

The young rooster says, “Beat it! You’re all washed up and I’m Taking over!” The old rooster says, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll race you around the farmhouse, and whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.” The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off After him. They round the front of the house and the young rooster closes the gap. He is only five steps behind the old bird and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to smithereens. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dangit! Third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.


WHAT GENDER ARE THESE ITEMS?

  1. ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
  2. SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
  3. KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
  4. SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
  5. COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
  6. TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
  7. HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
  8. SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
  9. WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.
  10. SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
  11. HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
  12. HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
  13. REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say, male. But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


RED SHIRT DOG

Upon entering the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”


POKER TATTOO

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.

Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.

The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”


Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?

A. A chess player moves every now and then.


A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES

WIN


BRIDGE CLUB

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”


Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.


PLACE


BLONDS AND BINGO

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.

The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500 in the pot.

The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?”

All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”


SHOW

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BINGO

  1. Thou shall not sit in thy neighbors lucky seat.
  2. Thou shall not stare at thy neighbors card.
  3. Thou shall not take the Callers name in vain.
  4. Thou shall not call false “Bingo”.
  5. Thou shall not wish bad luck on thy neighbor.
  6. Thou shall not threaten to kill the “Caller”.
  7. Thou shall not steal thy husband’s money for Bingo.
  8. Thou shall not brag about how much thou hast won.
  9. Thou shall not whine about how much thou hast lost.
  10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s winnings.


THE FALL

Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.

“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”

“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a
rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”

“I won’ be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”

“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”

“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?



DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over b a Police Officer.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee): n The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik): n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?



TRUE FANATIC

A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, anothe man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?



WHAT WOMEN ARE SAYING

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
— Sharon Stone

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” — HenryKissenger (former US Secretary of State)

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading.” —
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” — Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee — the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” — Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?'” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” —
Courtney Cox (Monica on “Friends”)

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” — Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” — Jerry Garcia(Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” — Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” –Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” — Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” — Jack Nicholson

(On going to war over religion) — “You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.” –Yasir Arafat (PLO leader)


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


WHY BEERS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

  1. You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
  2. A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
  3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer.
  4. The colder a beer, the better.
  5. You can always share a beer with your friends.
  6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
  7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your mind,
    you can pick another one.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


MAD NUNS

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.

“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..

“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.

The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.

“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”

The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.

In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”

“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

What disease did cured ham actually have?


THE BEST NON PARTISAN POLITICAL JOKE EVER!!!!!!!!!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and
asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar
ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “About a gallon.”


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


TIM’S SCROTUM (RATED “G”) too funny not to read!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tim must have experienced.

“Tim was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tim’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tim.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tim Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby ” when babies wake up like every two hours?


HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dos’t thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou cans’t trade without ever leaving thy
tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to
send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum
maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

And that’s how the Internet began.


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


A CREATIVE WAY TO DO BANKING

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

————————————————————————–

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:

Don’t make old people mad.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


FWEEDOM OF WEELIGION

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years.

He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate.

The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.

The boat captain ask “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?

He answered “The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church. And the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches …”


RAMBLINGS OF THE RETIRED MIND

  • I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
  • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
  • I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
  • I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
  • I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease; that’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
  • Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
  • As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

HOW MEN ARE SO LIKE CATS

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to be really ticked if it’s not ready on time.”

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it. “Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his butt.”


WOMEN AND THEIR CATS

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left
alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.


MICROSOFT VS. GM

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $15 cars that get 1OOO miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors couldn’t wait to issue a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft’s Windows platform, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only 5 percent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
  • The airbag system would ask “Are your sure?” before deploying.
  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  • Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to leam how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

RELIGIOUS HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a private religious hospital. As he was recovering, a nurse asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nurse asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nurse asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nurse became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”


GOOD QUESTION

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, “This house hasn’t got a flaw in it!”

The southern belle replied, “My lands! What do y’all walk on?”


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTSTHIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, “So, tell me.”

She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

If you were St. Peter, what would you do?



ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS

I LEARNED FROM THE POPE

If you want to be noticed, wear a funny hat.

Biblically speaking, you’re not really that old.

It’s OK to be seen in public wearing only your robe.

It’s fun to dress up.

A little Latin goes a long way.

The older you are, the greater your wisdom.

It’s good to know people in high places.

Sing unto others on their birthday as you would have them sing unto you.

Getting older brings you closer to God.

Do not covet thy neighbor’s presents.

Make your guests wait in line for their little pieces of cake.

Wise men will come bearing gifts…rude, insensitive people will just come and crash your party.

If you run short of hors d’ouevres at the party, just break out the loaves and fishes. It’s hard to fit more than three candles on a communion wafer.

You can’t have your communion wafer and eat it too.

Accept your gifts with modesty.

Unfortunately, there are no prayers to stop the ageing process.


What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hogs and Kisses



A FEW FACTIODS ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery!” The husband excitedly asks, “Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?”

She says, “Pack ’em all, you’re leaving!”

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven’t seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says “My what a magnificent ring.” Her friend relies, “Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!”

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

“I love you a ton!”



LOOKING FOR LOVE

PERSONAL ADS

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5’4″(used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!



ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second.

She said, And used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”



GETTING LUCKY

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don’t even think about trying it twice in one night.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it.
So I said “Implants?”



A TRIFECTA OF STUFF
ABOUT SCORING ON VALENTINE’S DAY!

WIN:

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE:

(Dedicated to Frank Kaiser!)

  • I love you because you bring the best out of me.
  • Your terrific sense of humor
  • Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat
  • You’re the one who holds the key to my heart
  • You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).
  • You have taught me the true meaning of love.
  • Love is, what you mean to me – and you mean everything.
  • You are my theme for a dream.
  • I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
  • When I look into your eyes, I can see your heart.
  • Your love for me is a natural anti-depressant.
  • I love to hear your voice.
  • Your love has helped me to rediscover myself.
  • Your love is an effective anti-dote to despair.
  • I love to wake up with you by my side…It makes my days better.
  • You always make me feel that you are by my side no matter what.
  • I love that feeling of being secure when you wrap your arms around me.
  • I love the way you keep your cool when I do something stupid.
  • Just being with you feels like I can defy the whole world.
  • You mean the world to me.
  • I like your small gestures that speak volumes about how much you care.
  • I love the way you treasure the gifts that I gave you.
  • I love the way you patch up with me after a tumultuous fight.
  • And, of course, your intelligence, ’cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.

PLACE:

BE MY VALENTINE

I walked into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over them.

My curiosity getting the better of me, I asked him what he is doing.

The man told me, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” I asked

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.


Support bacteria –
they’re the only culture some people have.


SHOW:

LAST MINUTE VALENTINE’S DAY ADVICE

Don’t tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.

Don’t give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.

Don’t buy the wrong size/brand of anything.

Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.

Don’t tell your date you forgot your wallet again.

Don’t leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.

Don’t buy your partner household appliances for Valentine’s Day.

Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.

Don’t give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!

Don’t club baby fur seals.


The problem with sex in the movies
is the popcorn usually spills.



THE ARAB & THE SCOTSMAN

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case it was
found to be required during the procedure. As the gentleman had a rare type
of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to other
hospitals.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly
donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US
dollars.

A couple of days later the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. His
doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood
again.

After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik this time did not reciprocate his
gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the sheik and asked him: “I
thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds
& money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.


DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE,
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave



BEST NEOLOGISMS FROM THE WASHINGTON POST

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas frompenetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the nearfuture.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotentfor an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t getit.

6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things thatare good for you.11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at yourapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walkedthrough a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in themorning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole


DROVE TOO LONG, DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave



MEMORY GOING?

He was leaving a meeting at the church, and looking for his keys. They were
not in his pockets, and a quick search of the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly he realized he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he
headed for the parking lot. His wife, had scolded him many times in the
past for leaving the keys in the ignition. His theory was that the ignition
was the best place NOT to lose them. Her theory was that the car could be
stolen.

As he ran from the doors of the church, he came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

He immediately called the police, giving them the location and the make &
model of the vehicle, and confessed that he had left the keys in the car.

Then he made the most difficult call of all. “Honey, I left the keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.

There was a period of silence, and then he heard her voice, “I dropped you
off this morning”, she barked. Then it was his time to be silent.
Embarrassed he said, “Well come and get me.” To which she replied, “I will,
as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”


A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’, HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave



BLUE HUMOR

Cops do have a sense of Humor!

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir! We don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”


CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave



YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it’s in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!”

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you notice your arm was torn off?”

The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams, “Oh my God, where’s my Rolex?”


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave



HIGH FLYING

Bud and Jim worked as airplane mechanics in Gander Bay, Newfoundland.

Bud said, “Man, I sure could use a drink!”

Jim says “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane fuel and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings… It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

Jim says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing… Have you farted yet?”

“Not yet,” says Bill

“Well, DON’T. I’m in Chicago.”


AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave



YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER

  • Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
  • You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
  • Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
  • Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
  • Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
  • Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
  • You know you’re into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

NO MATTER THE PRICE, NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave



THREE CHAPLAINS

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, a student made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and the religious leaders decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you know that we don’t sprinkle!

I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to it. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”


AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave



FOR OUR BABY BOOMERS

Some of the artists of the ’60s (living or not) are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include:

Elvis: “A Hunka Hunka Burning Bile”

Hermann’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”

Ringo Starr: “I Get By With a Little Help from Depends”

Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”

Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”

Marvin Gaye: “I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts”

Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

The Temptations: “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”

Abba: “Denture Queen”

Tony Orlando: “Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall”

Helen Reddy: “I am Woman, Hear me Snore”

Willie Nelson: “On the Throne Again”

Leslie Gore: “It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To”

Sonny & Cher: “…And The Beat Goes….. On.”


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave



FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD

A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several garments that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.”


THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave



UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”


CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave



THIS WEEK’S BLOND JOKE

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE, TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave



YOU HAD TO BE THERE…

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”


The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball



ONE FOR THE GALS

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. “There is something I must tell you about your baby.”

What’s wrong?” the alarmed mother asked.

“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“What’s that?”

“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”

“Oh my God, that’s wonderful!” the mother said. “You mean it has a penis and a brain?”



AND THREE FOR THE GUYS…

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

——————————————————————-

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

——————————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



MIXED-UP E-MAILS

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error…

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!



THE PERFECT COUPLE’S PERFECT NIGHT

Jenny’s husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman’s work!

One evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

“We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!”



NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

  • Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
  • Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
  • They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff trampling over their decrepit grandmother to help you first.
  • There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
  • To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.
  • It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
  • TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
  • The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
  • And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So… When I reach the Golden age, I’ll face it with a grin — Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!



CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring” he says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – jus anyting you want. Whatchou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I want…… numba 69″

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries…………..”You want…….Beef wif Broccori? NOW?”



THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?”

She paused briefly and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”



THE HOMELESS MAN – This Week’s Oldie but Goodie

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said.

“I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.

“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”



NOT FUNNY, MCGEE!

Freedom, American-Style

  • A car company moves its factories to Mexico and claims it’s a free market.
  • A toy company outsources its manufacturing capabilities to a Chinese subcontractor and claims it’s a free market.
  • A major bank incorporates in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claims it’s a free market.
  • We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico, buy shirts made in Bangladesh and underwear from Ecuador. It’s a free market, isn’t it.
  • We can purchase almost anything we want from most any country.
  • But heaven help the senior citizen who dares to buy prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That’s not only un-American, it’s “illegal!”

Behold, the power of the buck in the US Congress!



THE MISSIONARY

A Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s-xu-l activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike.”



THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. I took her to a gas station.

That’s when the fight started….

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

That’s when the fight started.

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

”My God!’ says my husband, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s when the fight started.



MILDRED

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast.’

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


THE WISDOM OF MAXINE

I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life! Oh, yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer

I’m thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


OLD FARTS

I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it.
Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are
easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled
Banner.

Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War , the Jet
Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions
from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam ..

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass
an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts
trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make
certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children
and they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless
it’s about their children or grandchildren.

It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by
politician’s, but by the young men and women in the military serving their
country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility,
pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!


ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?

Does your memory stray,
to that bright sunny day,
when you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like a well-oiled machine.

If it’s football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it’s at
but forgets what it’s for.

So your gallbladder’s gone,
but your gout lingers on,
tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you’re hungry, he’s not,
When you’re cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
so witty and smart;
how did he turn out to be such
a cranky old fart?

So don’t take any bets,
It’s as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?


TYPOS

Newspapers have the tightest deadlines in all of publishing and unnoticed bloopers often slip through into type.

One small-town editor found himself beset with letter from several town eagle-eyes, pointing out to him mistakes in his copy.

He decided to deal with the problem by printing the following notice in the paper. “If you find an error, please understand it is there for a purpose.

“We try to publish something for everyone, and some people are always looking for something to criticize.”


PARTING SHOT

Count your blessings instead of your crosses.
Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes.
Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears.
Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean.
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.



IN 10 YEARS

A retired older guy was driving along in Florida when the Highway Patrol It is the year 2021, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, “To think that right here used to be the Twin Towers…”

The son, not understanding, asks his father: “What are the Twin Towers?”

The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, “The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when terrorists destroyed them.”

The son looks up to his father, and asks, “And what are terrorists?”


MEN:
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands
would be found in all corners of the world…

Then He made the earth round.



THE STRONG SILENT TYPE!

Dana Perrino (Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy
SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if
they had to learn several languages?

His reply: “Oh no ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”


MEN:
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’


MEN:
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..


BREAKING NEWS FROM AFGHANISTAN

A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities “would not hesitate for a moment” to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.


MEN:
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


AND NOW, THE REST OF THE NEWS

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains


MEN:
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN


ACCOUNTANTS & AUDITORS

What’s the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What’s an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What’s an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.


MEN:
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.


THE ORIGIN OF PETS

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.


MEN:
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy


DON’T IT FIGURE!!!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give > birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


MEN:
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.



WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?

A retired older guy was driving along in Florida when the Highway Patrol urgently pulled him over and asked him if he realized his wife had fallen out of the car a mile back. Oh, thank God said the man. I thought I was going deaf.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life provided we get cable or that dish thing.


MARTHA AND JOHN

There were two lovers, Martha and John, who were deeply into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, John died in a car wreck. True to her word, Martha tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John! what is it like, where are you?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze and sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we do it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR JOKE

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby”

She turns to her husband and says…..”Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice……..”Well……there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


BEST BUMPER STICKERS OF THE WEEK

  • If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!
  • Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film.
  • Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
  • Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  • Hang up and drive!!


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”


EVE’S VERSION

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights — everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It’s these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as her limbs, eyes, and ears came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”, as she put it.

That is a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you…. now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”

Now, doesn’t THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Sometimes I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.


AND, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE

HEY, LADIES…Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

And, whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old as long as she buys him a few drinks first.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays… God!!, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…

“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…….. Buy a ticket.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


NURSING HOME WISDOM

NO Nursing Home for me!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.

I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65…that leaves $123 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.

There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that’s OK. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch, take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafes there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue. What more can you ask for?

As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

So:

When I reach the Golden age,

help me keep my grin.

Just check my old rickety butt

into the nearest Holiday Inn!


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”


GURNEY TALK

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says,” A circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our breasts. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

When I got home last night, my wife demanded
that I take her someplace expensive. I took her to a gas station.

That’s when the fight started….

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case
of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
$7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

That’s when the fight started.

My husband and I were sitting at a table
at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging
his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, ‘Do you
know him?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

”My God!’ says my husband, ‘Who would
think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s when the fight started.


MILDRED

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get
it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in
the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and
become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be
just below your left breast.’

Later that night, Mildred was admitted
to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.



THE WISDOM OF MAXINE

I am seeing five gentlemen every
day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power
helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and
when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows
up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one
place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really
tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life! Oh, yes, I’m also flirting
with Al Zymer

I’m thinking of calling JACK DANIELS
or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


SPF 30

When promoters of a rock concert encourage
the use of “protection” you assume they are referring to sun
screen.


INSURANCE

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch
at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha,
you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”

The other little old lady sat and rocked
for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”

BEACH BUM

Martha and Betty were at lunch in their
Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still
get horny?”

Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”

Martha asks, “What do you do about
it?”

Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who
drives you to the beach?”

AT THE HOTEL

It was three o’clock in the morning, and
the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old
lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!”
she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushes up
to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to
an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see
a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably
a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And
how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed
the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

MAKING LOVE

An older couple decides to retire for the
evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but
his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.

She says, “You know, when we were
courting, you liked to hold my hand”.

Wearily, he reaches across and holds her
hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she says, “After
that, you used to kiss me softly”.

Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives
her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.

Thirty seconds later she says, “Then
after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck”.

Angrily, he throws back the bed covers
and gets out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“To get my teeth!”

BUS RIDE

A senior citizen’s group charters a bus
from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly
woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep
and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes
forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think
he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those
old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady
comes up and says that she’d been molested too. The bus driver decides
that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns
the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees
crawling in the aisles.

“Hey gramps, what are you doing down
there?” says the bus driver.

“I lost my toupee. I thought I found
it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.”

AT THE MUSEUM

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated
during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other,
the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that
naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely
shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private
parts being so large!”

“I know”, says her friend, “And
cold, too!”

VISITING THE GRANDCHILDREN

An elderly couple decides to go and visit
their grandson living in California.

The grandfather while shaving one day,
notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet.

That evening after dinner, the grandfather
explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how
for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.

The grandson was hesitate about giving
him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect
it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different
excuses why he shouldn’t test the drug, which made no difference to the
old man, since his mind was made up.

Finally he says, “Besides gramps,
those pills cost $8.00 a piece”.

“I don’t care”, says the old
man, “I want to try it”

With that, the grandson hands the old man
one powerful blue pill.

The next day after work, the grandson finds
$108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather
why he left so much money.

The old man explains, “I didn’t, I
only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.

FORE

In the early days of mixed play, an English
couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to
tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over
to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any
knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough
housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake
of St. Paul, here’s  pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I
can’t afford any on the money you give me!”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick,
here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains,
“You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew,
lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”

THERE IS A LESSON HERE

I was so happy.  My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year,
and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every
way, my friends encouraged me.  And my girlfriend?  She was
a dream!

There was only one thing bothering
me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman,
smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with
me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.  So I went.

She was alone when I arrived.
As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly.
I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing
no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that
soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before
I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make
love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for
at least three hours.

I was in total shock, and
I couldn’t say anything.

So, she said, I’ll go upstairs
to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment,
watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt.  I
then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped
out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside,
and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy
and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of the story: Always
keep your condoms in your car.


THIS IS THE IRISH SEX FAIRY.
MAKE A WISH.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your
head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you’re dead.

NOTE: Read more Irish proverbs below


DID YOU KNOW?

The very first St. Patrick’s Day parade was not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737!

In Chicago, on St. Patrick’s Day, the Chicago River is dyed green!

Nine of the people who signed our Declaration of Independence were of Irish origin, and nineteen presidents of the United States proudly claim Irish heritage including our first President, George Washington!

In Seattle, there is a ceremony where a green stripe is painted down the roads!


LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”



IRELAND‘S SPACE PROGRAM

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve ever put a man on the moon.”

“That’s nothing,” repled the Irishman, “We’re going to put a man on the sun.”

“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”

“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”


May the grass grow long
on the road to hell for want of use.


THREE IRISH BROTHERS

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”


THE O’CONNOR HANDICAP

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O’Connor,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”


May you live as long as you want
and never want as long as you live.


GOLFING IN IRELAND

One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?”

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”



MURPHY MEETS HIS MAKER

After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting for him.

Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I’ve got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy said, “The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we’re drinking to my impending end. I’ve only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

Murphy’s friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion…..”Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”


AN IRISH TRIFECTA

AN IRISH TOAST

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! And he fell asleep both times.“


When the liquor was gone
the fun was gone.


THE WEE FOLK

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you wee folk?” asked mother superior.

The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”

“No,” says mother superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”

“All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”

“No, No,” replied mother superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”

“Well then mother superior, in all of NunDom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?’

“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied mother superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about?”

The first leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it‘s as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and had trouble finding gainful employment.

So she became a prostitute, and was extremely successful at it. She made lots of money, and regularly sent some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.

After a few years she decided it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.

Eventually she decided there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.

She arrived back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother was just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.

And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin‘ what have you been doin‘ to earn all this money?

“Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”

Mother went white, clutched at her breast, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. The others in the pub bought her a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, and staggered back on her feet.

She faced her daughter. “Tell me again darlin‘ I want to hear you say it again, so I can‘t be sure I heard you right.”

The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!”

The old girl heaved a huge sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”


“MONOPOLY” BOARD GAME
UPDATED PLAYING PIECES:

OLD NEW

LITTLE DOG Pit Bull

SHOE Untied, Half-Open Sneaker

FLAT IRON Dry Cleaner’s Bill

RACE CAR Oversized SUV

THIMBLE Foreign Seamstress

TOP HAT Hair Plug


I can see why she likes chess. The king is stationary, the queen has all the power.


ARF!

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.

They are astonished and say,”What a clever dog!”

But the man protests, “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”


I had dinner with Garry Kasporov. Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt.


Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?

A. A chess player moves every now and then.


RED SHIRT DOG

Upon entering
the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”


LOVE LETTER

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.


POKER TATTOO

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.

Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.

The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”

Did you know that more and more doctors aren’t accepting Medicaid, and what you can do about it? Or what happens if you need Medicare far from home? Or that less-costly diabetes drugs are every bit as effective as newer, much more expensive ones?


A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES

WIN

BRIDGE CLUB

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”


Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.


PLACE

BLONDS AND BINGO

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.

The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500 in the pot.

The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?”

All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”


There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o.


SHOW

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BINGO

  1. Thou shall not sit in thy neighbors lucky seat.
  2. Thou shall not stare at thy neighbors card.
  3. Thou shall not take the Callers name in vain.
  4. Thou shall not call false “Bingo”.
  5. Thou shall not wish bad luck on thy neighbor.
  6. Thou shall not threaten to kill the “Caller”.
  7. Thou shall not steal thy husband’s money for Bingo.
  8. Thou shall not brag about how much thou hast won.
  9. Thou shall not whine about how much thou hast lost.
  10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s winnings.

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon Ill hear old winters song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall


AT THE BAR

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!”

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you, what’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis — and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

“Here’s my story. I’m a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow. That’s quite a story!” says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re seniors from Florida, they’re waiting for happy hour!”


What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.


MENSA WISE ONES

Mensa is an organization for people with an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker…”

“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.


What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato..


OOPPPSSS!

Joe checked into a hotel on a business trip and was
a bit lonely so he thought he’d get one of those girls advertised in the phone books under “Escorts and Massages”.

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself “Erotica,” a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up.

So Joe picks up his room phone and gives her a call.

“Hello?” a woman says. Wow, she sounded sexy…….

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.. Now,how does that sound?”

The woman answers, “That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9.”


Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.


OH YEAH?

Jim was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Betty Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Betty Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said.  “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later Jim as watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”

She replied ……… “Your horse just called!”


Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking,
but you are getting sweeter.


THREE WISHES

A bear was chasing a bunny rabbit, when it stumbled over a bottle. A genie popped out of the opened bottle and said, “You are the first animals that I have seen in 10,000 years. I’m going to give each of you three wishes.”

The bear went first “I wish that all the bears in this forest were girls, except me.”

The bunny went second “I wish I had a helmet.”

The bear went again “I wish that all the bears, in this State, were girls,except me.”

The bunny asked for a motorcycle.

The bear wished that all the bears in the world were girls, except him.

The bunny’s final wish was “I wish this bear was gay,” and then rode away.


If a man is alone while he rakes leaves, and he speaks,
and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?


A TRIFECTA OF AUTUMN JOKES

WIN

AUTUMN FACTOIDS

You Just Thought You Knew Everything:

A  dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a  life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A  shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can  sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used  furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the  Lincoln  Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the  peach family.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with  their feet

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters  “mt”.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have  a Full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been  domesticated.

If the population of China  walked past you, in single file,
the line would never end because of the  rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole  life,
you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine  is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the  English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

On  a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying
over the  Parliament  Building  is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the  ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The  Bible does not say there were three wise men;
it only says there were  three gifts.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches
for each  gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a  researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his  pocket.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”  uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that  Niagara  Falls  froze completely solid.

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are  the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left
(palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are  only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous,  horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the  English language that have all five vowels In order: “abstemious” and  “facetious.”

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables  Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a  ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;  Otherwise it will digest itself.


Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if
green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.


PLACE

AFTER TAXES

A little boy wanted a $100 badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those buttholes deducted $95 in taxes.


What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?
Chrysanthemummies.


SHOW

HOSPITAL CHARTS

(Taken from actual hospital charts.)

  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar opened!”


HONEST ABE

Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-grade class.

I’d included an extra-credit question: List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.

One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”


A FEW MORE

Birds of a feather flock together, and shit on your car.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.


MEANWHILE, HERE IN FLORIDA

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, MAKE IT A MEMORABLE ONE


TO THE REALLY WISE MAN

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.

My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”


MUTUAL ORGASM

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”


HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


DEAD TED

Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”


A TRIFECTA OF THE FACTS

HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION (A Must-Read)

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


STANDARDS (More from Florida)

Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”


DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN: Another helpful suggestion

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.

“Go away” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”

The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”


ALL OUR JOKES COME FROM YOU,
OUR READERS!

AN ENCOUNTER WITH HISTORY

(2 seconds of silence?)

This year is special. At two am, (and 3 and 4 seconds)
the date and time will be:

DRUMROLL: This will never happen again.

WARNING!!! This week’s joke page contains quotes
from Steven Wright. Read at your peril.


ODE TO SPAM
by Charlie Johnston

Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up –
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there’s no one around –
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I’ve tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig’s feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam – the taste, the smell –
The sacred meat product from Hormel.


Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.


POTTY MOUTH

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender.  “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”


I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t
accidentally walk through into another dimension


HERE IN FLORIDA

Jim, an elderly man living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond  was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening Jim decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

Jim made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Jim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he  said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”


I like to skate on the other side of the ice.


THIS WEEK’S LESSON. Pay attention!

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.  The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on the poor donkey.” The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.”

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.


My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.
So I’m going to move to New York.


THE ART OF ADVERTISING

Josie and Flo, both prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sigh that read: “JESUS SAVES”

Josie asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

Josie and Flo frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day, the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which read: ‘JOSIE AND FLO. TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00’


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


I’D WALK A MILE

Marge and Barb are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Marge pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Barb asks, “What in the hell is that?

Marge answers, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Barb says, “Great idea. Where did you get it?”

Marge says, “You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, Barb hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Barb says,”Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”


I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.”
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


FLYING BLIND

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”

And the blind man said he just wanted to have the experience.

So off through the skies they went! All of a sudden the pilot had a heart attack and passed out.

The blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, “Help, help, I’m a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!”

A voice came over the speaker that said, “If you are a blind man, how do you know you’re upside down?”

The blind man said, “Because crap is running out of my collar!!”


When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.


A TRIFECTA OF
LOTSA SILLY STUFF JOKES

A cop was patrolling at night at a well-known lover’s lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

“What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 23, sir.”

“And her … what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”


You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?


WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat…

10% of women think their ass is too skinny…

The other 65% say that they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway…


It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.


READY FOR A BLOND JOKE?

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new  clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”  She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…


A HONEYMOON TALE

Bill was out on the golf course when a high speed ball hit him right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he can manage, Bill cautiously drives himself to the doctor.

“How bad is it, Doctor Brown? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin — in every way.”

The doctor tells him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.”

Doctor Brown took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together … an impressive work of art.

Now, Bill fails to mention this to Debra. They get married and leave on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Debra rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, “You’re the first; no one has EVER touched these.”

Bill immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this … still in the CRATE!


Forget the health food.
I need all the preservatives I can get.


Bigamy : one husband too many.
Monogamy : same thing.


SEVERAL DEFINITIONS

YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER IF……

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,”
and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!”

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.

You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

“Getting a little action” means
you don’t need to take any fiber today.

“Getting lucky” means
you find your car in the parking lot.

” An “all nighter” means
not getting up to use the bathroom.


Between two evils,
I always pick the one I never tried before.


A FEW PROVERBS TO REMEMBER

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.


Floggings will continue until morale improves.


Grow your own dope… plant a man.


BRA SIZES EXPLAINED

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it’s about time you became informed!

A – Almost Boobs.
B – Barely there.
C- Can’t Complain!
D – Damn!
DD – Double damn!
E – Enormous!
F-Fake


Time may be a great healer,
but it’s also a lousy beautician.


A TRIFECTA OF
SOME OF OUR FAVORITE SEXY JOKES

WIN:

I’D WALK A MILE FOR A CAMEL

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”


Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.


PLACE:

MY DATING LIFE

When I was 19, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 25 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 35 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 45 I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy! She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 55, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 65 and am looking for a girl with big tits.


Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.


SHOW:

BOWLING?

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”


Gravity doesn’t exist. The Earth sucks.


DON’T NOT VOTE!!!

ASK YOUR CONGRESSMAN

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey…

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise!”


Don’t be afraid to see what you see.


A LETTER TO YOUR SENATOR
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 2051

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bills provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?

This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.

In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free health care, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, Carolyn


What is the difference between the Republicans of Congress
and the Library of Congress?
At the Library of Congress, you aren’t allowed to lick the pages.


CAMPAIGN PROMISES

A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. ” There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

He goes down, down, down to hell and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. All his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity,” says St. Peter

The senator reflects for a minute. “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. ”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

The  most terrifying words in the English language are:
I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

MANNA FROM HEAVEN?

Mysteriously, without applying for nor submitting any paperwork,
Homer started receiving a $500 check every month.

Without even questioning why, Homer started cashing them.

After a year of receiving $500 monthly, Homer received a notice to return the money.

Hoping to receive advice not to repay this amount, Homer went to see his brother, a corporate lawyer.

His brother said “My God man, didn’t you ever wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?”

“Nope” he said, “I just figured the Democrats were back in power.”

I have wonder what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like
if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.

Government is like a baby:
An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end
and no sense of responsibility at the other.

A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL JOKES

WIN:

SOME OF OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL QUOTES

  • A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. Edward Abbey
  • Those who stand for nothing fall for anything Alexander Hamilton
  • The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
  • In America, anybody may become president, and I suppose it’s just one of the risks you take. Adlai Stevenson
  • Too bad 90 percent of the politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation. Henry Kissinger
  • The ballot is stronger than the bullet. Abraham Lincoln
  • In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes an act of rebellion.”George Orwell
  • Democracy is too good to share with just anybody. Nigel Rees
  • In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon
  • A politician will do anything to keep his job – even become a patriot. William Randolph Hearst
  • Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
  • I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts. Abraham Lincoln
  • No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent. Abraham Lincoln
  • The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Second Inaugural Address

Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed there are many rewards,
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
.


PLACE:

OBSERVATIONS ON THE U.S. MID-TERM ELECTIONS

“It’s interesting. The president’s approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea’s setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election.”
–Jay Leno

“The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for.”
–Bill Maher

“This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

The  taxpayer: That’s someone who
works for the federal government
but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.

SHOW:

W’s TO DO LIST FOR 2008

  1. Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.
  2. Authorize new presidential anthem: “Hail to the Chad.”
  3. Send message to Wheaties people: “Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box.”
  4. Order copy of “Presidents for Dummies.”
  5. Keep distance from Cheney…don’t want to catch heart disease.
  6. Start mending fences with Democrats…appoint Gore “Secretary of Losers.”
  7. Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.
  8. Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: “I have a dream…then I wake up.”
  9. As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
  10. Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.

Government does not solve problems;
it subsidizes them.


PARTING SHOT
State Mottoes

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared


STUFF TO CONTEMPLATE…

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


SHERLOCK HOLMES & STARGAZING

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

“Watson,” he says, “Look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

Holmes says: “Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!”


In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


MORE SIGNS OF THE TIMES…

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence? I think NOT!

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


ENOUGH WITH THE CONTEMPLATION!

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for
you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.


In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.


SIGNS SEEN IN OUR TRAVELS

Friends don’t let friends
take home ugly men
Women’s restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men’s restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Remember, it’s not,
“How high are you?”
it’s “Hi, how are you?”
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia


In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


TOP 20 FUNNIEST SONG TITLES

1. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

2. There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You.

3. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

4. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

5. I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

6. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

7. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

8. Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade

9. If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?

10. Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

12. I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

13. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

14. I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

15. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out

16. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

17. I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love

18. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

19. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

20. C’mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You’re Too Old to Ride the Range


In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE JOKES

WIN:

THINKING OUTSIDE THE OLD BOX

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for


PLACE:

SIGNING IN

Jake was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language.

He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, Jake asked how he had learned to use sign language.

The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. Jake thought that was great.

A few minutes later Jake noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed, “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

Jake asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”


Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.


SHOW:

A ZEN MOMENT

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.


Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.


WARNING!

CONTAINS LETTERMAN’S TOP TEN REASONS GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX


NOTE:

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. (We call it Brain Bloat here at Suddenly Senior.)

So, I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head was full, so I’ve started filling up the rest of me.


#10 – A below par performance is considered good.


STEAM IRONS?

My dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.

I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.

I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to “sprinkle” clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.


#9 – You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.


HOW MANY DO YOU REMEMBER?

Headlight dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the firewall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant-leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.


#8 – It’s much easier to find the sweet spot


HOT TO TROT

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. “You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

So let’s get naked now,” she suggested. So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot looking at you today as they did 50 years ago.”

He replied, “I’m sure they are – one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”


#7 – Foursomes are encouraged.


DOCTOR VISIT

Bill, in his eighties, is putting on his coat.

His wife Sarah says, “Where are you going?”

Bill says, “I’m going to the doctor.”

Sarah asks, “Are you sick?”

“No” Bill said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So Sarah gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

“Where are you going?” says Bill.

Sarah replies “I’m going to the doctor, too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.”


#6 – You can still make money doing it as a senior.



#5 – Three times a day is possible.


OLDIE

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year–old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, the corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”


#4 – Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE GETTING OLDER JOKES

WIN:

RETIREMENT ENTERTAINMENT

Letter from Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Bates,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been  causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of  behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping angina of our stores.

We have documented all these incidents with our video  surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are now attending counseling  for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has  created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled and are listed below.

Walter Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO

MEMO

*Re: Mr. George Bates Complaints* –

15 Things Mr. Bates has done while his wife is shopping:

June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s  carts when they were not looking.

July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go  off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7:
Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the  rest rooms.

July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,  “‘Code 3’ in housewares…” and watched to see what would happen.

August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s  on lay away.

September 14:
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other  shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the  bedding department.

September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to  cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?'”

October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a  mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked  the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly  humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

December 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look”  using different size funnels.

December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he  fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his  thumb, screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

(And, last, but not least!)

December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited  several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, “There’s no toilet paper in  here!”


#3 – If you live in Florida, you can do it everyday.


PLACE:

QUIZ

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with a lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt, but those memories are the best part of my life.


#2 – You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.


SHOW:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!   The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess — with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.   This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!   My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.   Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.   I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps.  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.


#1 – If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it .


SHOE-IN

John thought his life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted an exotic pet to love.

After looking at all sorts of animals, fish, insects and reptiles, he settled on a lovely centipede that came with a little white box that would be her home. He named her Cecilia.

He decided he would start introducing Cecilia to society, so he asked her, “Would you like to go to church? It’s’ Sunday, and I think you’re going to like my friends.”

But the centipede didn’t answer.

So John waited for a few minutes and decided to ask her one more time. He put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey Cecilia! Would you like to go to church with me and meet my friends?”

A tiny voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! Yes. Give me a minute. I’m putting on my shoes.”



Deep in the sun-searched growths the dragonfly
Hangs like a blue thread loosened from the sky.
Dante Gabriel Rossetti “Silent Noon”


BUGGING OUT

Bill was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6-foot-tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the doorbell rang again. When Bill answered the door, there was the cockroach. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the doorbell rang, and when Bill answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

Badly injured, Bill managed to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they managed to pull him through.

The next morning, as the doctor was doing his rounds, he asked Bill what happened.

Bill explained about the 6-foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.


Spin and die,
To live again as butterfly.
Christina Georgina Rossetti “The Caterpillar”


BITE ME

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, “Jeezus Christ, Mister, Doesn’t that calf have a mother?”


I always felt that insects are the general rule,
and everything else is a special case.


The butterfly counts
not months but moments,
and has time enough.

Rabindranath Tagore “Stray Birds”


ROACH MOTEL

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. “I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It’s so sanitary the whole place shines.”

“Please,” said the other roach, frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”


To carry a grudge
is like being stung to death by one bee.
William H. Walton


DAMNED BUGS

Joan was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband, Ted, arrived home unexpectedly.

“Quick,” said Joan to her lover,” into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

Ted, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked?

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” Ted asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.

“And where are your clothes?” asked Ted.

The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards.”


God in His wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
Ogden Nash “The Fly”


An Insect Poem

A cricket’s ear is in its leg.
A cricket’s chirp is in its wing.
A cricket’s wing can sing a song.
A cricket’s leg can hear it sing.

Imagine if your leg could hear.
Imagine if your ear could walk.
Imagine if your mouth could swing.
Imagine if your arm could talk.

Would everything feel upside down,
And inside out and wrongside through?
Imagine how the world would seem,
If you became a cricket, too.


Love is like a butterfly,
hold it too tight it will crush,
hold it too loose, it will fly.


BOY SCOUTING

Boy Scouts from New York City were sitting around their campfire. One scout said, “We’d better get to bed before the mosquitoes eat us up.”

Later that night, the boy woke up and looked out of his tent. He saw dozens and dozens of fireflies.

Quickly, he woke up his friends and said, “We’d better hide! They’re coming after us with flashlights!”


FROM SUDDENLY SENIOR TO OUR LOYAL READERS:
COMPUTER BUGS FROM OUR PRIVATE COLLECTION


ENTOMOLOGY 101
How strange to learn… A Beetle’s no bug.
But then, a Boll-worm is not really a worm.
These facts are indisputable,
Concerning them science stands firm.

Now, mind. Bugs and Beetles are insects-
And walkingsticks belong to that lot.
But the delicious Snail and the insidious Tick
You can say with assurance, do not.

Ladybugs are Beetles. They defend our plants-
Are urged to fly away home, in story.
But oddly enough, they’re called Ladybirds,
In lands where a truck is a lorry!

Ladybugs keep Aphid destroyers in check.
And good guests – delight us, young and old,
By cozily wintering in our homes-
Flying away, when spring warms the cold.

Encore
Male Fireflies never are flies.
Firefly females are insects, not worms.
But glowworm is their familiar name
What a muddle of mistakes in terms!

But, naming most certainly is needed.
How else to tell lilies from lilacs in bloom
Or label, with distaste, the invading creature
That just suffered the SMACK! of your broom.

It’s hard enough to name the new baby,
Especially the dozenth-and-one.
So pity the problems of science
With trillions of fauna under our sun,
Add tiny animals still to discover,
And scholars, keen for a find.


What the caterpillar
calls the end of the world,
the Master calls a butterfly.
Richard Bacht


REMEMBER

When the moon shall have faded out from the sky,
and the sun shall shine at noonday a dull cherry red,
and the seas shall be frozen over,
and the icecap shall have crept downward
to the equator from either pole . . .
when all the cities shall have long been dead
and crumbled into dust,
and all life shall be on the last verge of extinction on this globe;
then, on a bit of lichen, growing on the bald rocks beside
the eternal snows of Panama,
shall be seated a tiny insect, preening its antennae
in the glow of the worn-out sun,
the sole survivor of animal life on this our earth
a melancholy bug.

William Jacob Holland “The Moth Book” 1903


TWO OLD MEN
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit the Bunny Ranch. When they arrived at the brothel, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her
girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked
or groaned…how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I
nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”


LET’S BASH BOTH SEXES

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? — 45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? — 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? — Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? — $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? — The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? — The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? — Humpme Dumpme.

What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? — None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? — Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles have in common? — If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? — Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man’s view of safe sex? –A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? –“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? — The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? — A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? — The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? — The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? — A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? — The blonde, because she’s 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? — When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? — Two mothers-in-law.


THE EASIER WAY

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got
older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is
I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything
to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what
I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman,
“I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself
in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and…
16 and a half neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about
a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”

Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…
size 36.”

Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache!”


COUNTRY HIT SONGS YOU NEVER HEARD

  • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
  • Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
  • How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
  • I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
  • Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, The Car Don’t Run, Figure We’re even.
  • I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
  • I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
  • I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
  • I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
  • I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
  • I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.
  • I Got Tears In My Ears, From Lyin’ On My Back, Cryin’ Over you.
  • If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
  • If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
  • Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
  • My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.
  • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
  • Please Bypass This Heart.
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
  • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

THIS WEEK’S LAWYER JOKE

A Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder; “Could they possibly get married in Heaven?”

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months…and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”


TIME-HONORED TRUTHS

  • Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
  • To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • Women like silent men — they think they’re listening.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
    and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

IN HONOR OF JEWISH MOTHERS’ DAY

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with the hat!? Why can’t you  wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “But it’s your senior photograph! Couldn’t you have done something about your hair?”

MOSES’S JEWISH MOTHER: “That’s a good story!? Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”


WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? AS WRITTEN BY GRANDCHILDREN

“Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.”

“A grandfather is a man grandmother.”

“Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.”

“When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.”

“They don’t say, ‘hurry up.'”

“Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.”

“They wear glasses and funny underwear.”

“They can take their teeth and gums out.”

“They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.”

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”


Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. Mark Twain


I don’t make jokes.
I just watch the government
and report the facts. Will Rogers


OLD INJUN GROANER

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?

“The Lone Ranger said, “I do, Why?”

The cowboy said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, “I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse out side?

“The Lone Ranger stands and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says …..

“Nothing ………. but you left your Injun running!”


Talk is cheap …
except when Congress does it.
Unknown


WHEN TALK ISN’T CHEAP

Bert and Martha were an elderly couple who had been to the county fair every year for decades. Each year at the fair Bert wanted to ride in the airplane. “No” said Martha. “The airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Every year Bert said he wanted to ride in the plane, and every year Martha wouldn’t let him, repeating, “Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year, Bert decided he would stand up to Martha.

All these years and he had never ridden in the airplane. “Martha,” Bert said, “We are 85 years old and may not make it another year. I want to ride in the airplane. I don’t care if it costs fifty dollars.”

Martha shot him down again with her usual protest. The pilot of the plane overheard their conversation and made them an offer.

“I tell you what,” said the pilot. “I will take you for a ride in the airplane, and if you can keep quiet the whole time, I won’t charge you for the trip. If you say one thing, the charge is fifty dollars.”

This sounded like a pretty good deal to Bert and Martha, so they went ahead and got into the plane. The pilot, in his best attempt to get them to make noise, flew the plane upside down. He flew up high and dove toward the ground. He did corkscrews, circles, twists and turns. Not a peep out of either of them. He couldn’t believe it.

Upon landing, the pilot turned to Bert and said, “I just can’t believe it! No one has ever flown with me and kept quiet. I thought for sure that last dive would get you to scream out, or say something!”

Bert replied, “I was going to say something when Martha fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”


The inherent vice of capitalism
is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
sharing of misery. Winston Churchill


JIMMY JOE BOB’s NEW TRUCK

One day, Jimmy Joe Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!?”

“Bobby Sue gave it to me” Bubba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want’.

So I took the truck!”

“Bubba, you’re a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!”


No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain


WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called?” Eve asked.

“Brains,” God said.


Giving money and power to government is l
ike giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O’Rourke


TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she’d like for Mother’s Day.

“I’d love to be six again, ” she replied.

On the morning of Mother’s Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You idiot, I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Democracy must be something more t
han two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. J. James Bovard


WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD MAKE THE MORNING COFFEE

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .

“HEBREWS”


A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”


Government is the great fiction, through
which everybody endeavors to live at the
expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat


YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN BY MY SIDE …
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”


WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN THINKS OF A JOKE LIKE THIS?
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down
the Stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to….cut it
off are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m
going to set the garage on fire.”


LANGUAGES FOR “I LOVE YOU” ….
English ……… I Love You
Spanish ……. Te Amo
French ………Je T’aime
German ……. lch Liebe Dich
Japanese ….. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ………. Ti Amo
Chinese …… Wo Ai Ni
Swedish …… Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama ….. Nice Tits



PROPOSED ENGLISH LANGUAGE CHANGE
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments. European
officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is
clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ‘s’
instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard ‘c’ could be replaced by ‘k’ sinse
both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in
the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This
would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty per sent shorter in print. In the
third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash
the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would
enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to
akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
writ as though nothing had hapend.

By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing ‘th’by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’. Shortly after
zis, ze unesesary ‘o kould be dropd from words kontaining ‘ou’. Similar
arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing
zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin
it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum
tru.


HOW TO STOP A SNORER
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t
care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”



TEN WAYS TO TERRORIZE A TELEMARKETER
10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them!
“I’m so glad you asked because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died…”

09. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

08. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the hell she could know you from.

07. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,
“I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

06. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

05. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration”
and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

04. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not
just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

03. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they
cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t
want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”

02. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
“Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

And first and foremost:

01. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
EVERY WORD down.


NUN POWER

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They
walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only
container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever
they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their
car, a Baptist minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and
said, “Excuse me, Sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I can’t help
admiring your faith!”


WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so
she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her
husband’s voice was heard answering, “Hello Margaret, this is meeee…”

“Fred,” she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the
afterlife. What’s it like there?”

“Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined,” Fred
answered. “The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much
more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day
long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over.”

“Thank God, you made it to heaven,” his wife cried.

“Heaven?” he answered. “What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana.”


THE ATHEIST

There was this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of sudden he sees this
shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks
back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a way off and
he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and he turns to see the
jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in horrific splendor..

The atheist then screams, “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen
and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the
water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you
call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

The atheist, with confusion and knowing he can’t lie, replies, “Well, that’s
true, I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the
shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the
heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close
down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked,
the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its
head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive.”


SUCCESS!

Success is:

At age 4, success is………………………………..not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is ……………………………..having friends.
At age 20, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………………………money.
At age 60, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 70, success is………………………………having friends.
At age 80, success is………………………………not peeing your pants.


THE REWARD

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes
all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill.

“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”


THE TOP 40 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, HEAR A REDNECK SAY

40: Oh I just couldn’t, hell, she’s only sixteen.
39: I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38: Duct tape won’t fix that.
37: Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36: Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35: We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34: Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33: You can’t feed that to the dog.
32: I thought Graceland was tacky.
31: No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30: Wrestling’s fake.
29: Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28: We’re Vegetarians.
27: Do you think my gut is too big?
26: I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25: Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24: Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23: Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.
22: Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21: Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20: I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19: Trim the fat off the steak.
18: Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17: The tires on that truck are too big.
16: I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15: I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14: Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13: Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12: My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11: I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10: Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
09: Checkmate.
08: She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07: Does the salad bar have bean sprouts.
06: Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
05: I don’t have a favorite college team.
04: Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03: You All.
02: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin’.

AND THE #1 STATEMENT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A SOUTHERNER:

01: Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

Suddenly Senior

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Suddenly Senior
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