Humor

Best New Jokes: September 8, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.


OH, BILL, HOW WE’LL MISS YOU…


This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Bill Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC W. J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC William Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC W. Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC William J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC


If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds’ great literary works in Braille.


+—————– BIZARRE CANADIAN LAWS ——————+

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch.

In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.

In Montreal, you may not swear in French.

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.

In Toronto, you can’t drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.


LOOK OUT WHAT YOU WISH FOR

guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by fifty beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a tree limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away, they remove their hoods. It’s the two Genies.

One genie says to the other one, “Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand wanting to be a millionaire.

But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.


CHANGING TIMES

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors — green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?” The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”


Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.


JESUS, SATAN, AND THE COMPUTER

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said………

(ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS ??)

“JESUS SAVES.”

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”


AND THE MORAL IS…

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to “grab his thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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