Humor

Best New Jokes: September 6, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I used to have a handle on life but it broke off.


FLYING HIGH

  • On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat “senior”flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
  • Also from Westjet: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!”
  • As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. whoa!
  • In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
  • The captain’s dulcet tones droned over the plane’s speakers:
    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
  • Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments.
  • “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”


Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.


QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings,”


The Wisdom of Chuang Tzu:

“When the shoe fits the foot is forgotten.

When the belt fits the belly is forgotten.

When the heart is right “for” and “against” are forgotten.


Everyone has a photographic memory …some just don’t have any film.


THE DEVIL YOU SAY

A few minutes  before the services started,  the townspeople were sitting in their pews  and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared  at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling  each other in a frantic effort to get away from  evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly  gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to  the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked  up to the old man and  said “Don’t you know who I am?”   The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.  “Nope, sure ain’t.” said  the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. 

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even  tone. “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,  AGONY for  all eternity?”

“Yep,” was the calm reply.  “And you’re still  not afraid?”  Asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.  More than a little  perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you  afraid of me?” The  man calmly replied,

“Been married to your sister for  48  years.”RORIST-PROOF AIRLINEA few minutes  before the services started,  the townspeople were sitting in their pews  and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared  at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling  each other in a frantic effort to get away from  evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly  gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to  the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked  up to the old man and  said “Don’t you know who I am?”   The man replied, “Yep, sure
do.”

Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.  “Nope, sure ain’t.” said  the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. 

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even  tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,  AGONY for  all eternity?”

“Yep,” was the calm reply.  “And you’re still  not afraid?”  Asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.  More than a little  perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you  afraid of me?” The  man calmly replied,

“Been married to your sister for  48  years.”


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.


MEDICAL EXAMS

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


MEDICAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A.This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A.Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


Some people just don’t know how to drive… I call these people “Everybody But Me,”


NOW YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA

  • Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
  • You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
  • You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
  • Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze
  • You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
  • You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  • You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
  • You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  • You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
  • A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
  • A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  • Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  • A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don’t even notice.
  • Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
  • You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
  • Both you AND your dog have therapists.

Heart Attacks…God’s revenge for eating His animal friends.

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