Humor

Best New Jokes: September 4, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

CRIME WAVE

Gasoline prices have gotten so high, crooks are knocking over service stations and demanding “your unleaded or your life.”


Begging for Gas Money Cartoon


GAS PRICE COMPARISONS

1. – Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. – Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. – Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. – Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. – Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. – Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. – STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. – Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. – Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. – Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. – Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump,I guess you should be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil, Scope or Whiteout!


Police Sketch Gas Robbery Suspect Cartoon


HOT DATE

Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change?

He drove her to the corner gas station.    


Tax Refund Gas Pump Cartoon


FLIGHT FUEL

A British Airways flight in Chicago couldn’t take off Thursday until the pilot got the passengers to chip in twenty bucks apiece for gas.


Gas Credit Card Cartoon


OUR SYMPATHY

“Some sad news — King Fahd has died and, in respect, the Saudi family lowered the flag and raised oil prices.” –Jay Leno


REALLY BAD!

There was a crowd of bees flying around. These bees were a bit different as they were powered by gasoline.

As the swarm along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
   
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
   
When he rejoined the crowd, his bee buddy said: “Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.  You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?”
   
He replied, “Well, it’s like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don’t like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That’s even worse.

But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. It’s really true. There’s an Esso Bee in every crowd!”


Skinny Piggy Bank

MY PIGGY BANK AFTER I FILLED UP


NECESSARY INFORMATION
(a service of Suddenly Senior)

Ever wondered where a driver is from? Wonder no more.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside

• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio

• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Washington (Seattle)

• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas (male)

• One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female)

• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mountedin rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas

• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the right blinker on: Florida.


Smell Gas Station Cartoon


GOOD GUESS

A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so Clem, the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. Clem told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Bubba guessed 8, and Clem said, “Yours shore enough close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, Bubba, along with Bobby Sue, his blond girlfriend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Clem again asked him to guess the correct number.

Bubba guessed 2 this time. Again Clem said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Bubba said to Bobby Sue, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bobby Sue replied, No it ain’t, Honey. It ain’t rigged, I won twice last week.”


Gas Tow Truck Cartoon


GETTING GASSED
(this week’s obligatory blond joke)

A tired trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.

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