Humor

Best New Jokes: September 23, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Now I’m not saying that Floridians as a whole are slow (it takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes) and they have had their problems during the last two elections, one national and one state, but all is in readiness for the next go around.

NO BULL

A Texas rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”!


ATHEIST’S PRAYER

As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, “What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created.” Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.

He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him. The atheist screamed, “Oh my God!!!” Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?”

“Very well,” the voice said.

The light went out, the river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head, and spoke:

“Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”


Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.


DUI DANCE

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “Might as well take my ass on to jail, there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”


Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? (PART ONE)
A: One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


MAYBE HE’S JUST SEEING DOUBLE

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”


Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? (PART TWO)
A: Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


SWEPT AWAY

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing n the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, “Lord, how could you? Haven’t I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven’t I been a wonderful mother? Haven’t I kept a kosher home? Haven’t I given to B’nai B’rith? Haven’t I given to Hadassah? Haven’t I lit candles every Friday night? Haven’t I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud?”

A voice booms from the sky, “Okay, okay!” A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. “I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?

She responds, “He had a hat.”


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.


SOUTHERN LIVING

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
******
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “Bout what?”
******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren’t admitted.
******
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi?
Documentaries.
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

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