Humor

Best New Jokes: September 22, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

JESUS AND MOSES PLAY GOLF

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.

As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”


I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)


Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)


THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.

“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away.

“We’re down here …”


The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)



HOW KIDS GET INTO HEAVEN

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields).


THE FLOWER SHOW

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said,

“Cripes, life is boring! We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“How did you do?” asked her waiting friend.

“Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”


If only God would give me some sign…a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)


BRAIN CRAMPS

  • Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
  • “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with al! l those flies and death and stuff. ” –Mariah Carey
  • “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
  • “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
  • “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca


Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)


AREN’T GRANDKIDS GRAND?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a grandmother was tucking her grandson into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Nanny, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The grandmother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in your granddaddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”


Those are my principals, if you don’t like them…… I have others.” (Groucho Marx)


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

Jenny was very rich. One day she telephoned a famous blonde young artist and said she wanted to commission him to paint her. He said his fee would be $5,000, which she immediately accepted. When she arrived at his studio for the first sitting, she gave him a check for $7,000. The artist was very surprised and asked what the extra money was for.

“I want you to paint me in the nude,” she said, “Do you have any objections?”

“Not for $7,000 I don’t. But I would have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes.”


Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him ” Be fruitful and multiply”. But not in those words . . . . . (Woody Allen)


AN OLD INDIAN CHIEF SPEAKS…

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief.

The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these jerks; they have come to steal your land.”


It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)


HANKY-PANKY, SENIOR RESIDENCE-STYLE

Claude and Maude, both 91, lived in a senior residence. They met one day in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out f or dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening and afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him in his room for an after dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As both were basking in the glow of the magic moments they had shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts:

Claude was thinking: “If I had known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.”

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still get it up, I’d have taken off my panty hose!”


At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

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