Humor

Best New Jokes: September 22, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

OH, NO, ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


SORRY, BILL, WE JUST CAN’T HELP IT

A Marine colonel, on his way home from work at the Pentagon, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,

“Officer what’s the hold-up?”

The officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the money to pay for the new house. We’re taking up a collection for him.”

“Oh really? How much have you got so far?”

“About 300 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”


A THOUGHT TO PONDER…

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?


WARNING LABELS

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are:

01. On a blanket from Taiwan – NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

02. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists – REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

03. On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

04. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

05. On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

06. In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

07. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids – LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

08. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

09. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins – WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears’s hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) – DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor – NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts – WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chain saw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (Ouch!)

21. On a child’s Superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners – SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box – FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron – DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine – DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid – WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.


ANOTHER THOUGHT TO PONDER…

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


WORD PLAY

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man)

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer, ya know.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an ass.


AND MORE THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.