Humor

Best New Jokes: September 20, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.


LIFE, EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year l! ife span.”

Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man.

God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy doing nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, God.

Tell you what, I’ll take the forty the cow gave back, the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy doing nothing.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last ten years, we sit around the house and bark at everybody.


Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.


REMEMBER HOLLYWOOD SQUARES?

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. You’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.Charlie weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” what does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.


MEXICAN HOT SEAT

Three unlucky men wake up in prison in Mexico… only able to remember they’d gotten really drunk, are about to be executed for crimes, but none of them can remember what they’d done.

The first man is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.

He says, “I am from the University of Tennessee and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so he’s let go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, “I am from the University of Clemson School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

Switch is thrown again but nothing happens, and he’s released.

The last guy says, “Well, I’m an Auburn Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you right now…you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires.”

God rest his soul.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT

Dear Tide:

I am writing to tell you what an excellent product I think you have. I’ve used it ever since my Mother told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law’s house, I spilled some red wine on my white blouse. She started to berate me and accused me of having a drinking problem.

One thing led to another, and I ended up with some of her blood on my blouse as well. I used liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


BECAUSE I AM A MAN

When I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

When the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t, know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.

I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going? There is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

You don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. . Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.


He who hesitates is probably right.


FUNERALS

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.


LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad:

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging truck.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m s! o glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters. By the way, what is a pedophile? Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


NUTRITION 101   

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is  apparently what kills you


The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can
tell when he’s really in trouble.


IDIOT OF THE WEEK

A homeowner in Fulton County, Ga., was awakened at 2:40 a.m. by the sound of one of his windows smashing and someone coming inside.

He ran into the hallway and yelled at the man to leave, but the intruder ran past him into his bedroom and slammed the door in his face.

His wife escaped, and police officers dragged the man out from under the bed.

The man, who had entered the house by diving through a window, severed an artery during the stunt and bled to death before an ambulance could arrive.

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