Humor

Best New Jokes: September 15, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.


Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?


BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman.

“Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”


He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.


He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.


TWO REASONS IT’S SO HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.



THE WEEK’S MOST POPULAR JOKE

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”

“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”


He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.


WHOOPS!

Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener.


He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.


ACTUAL ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

A yes, the future of America.


SHORT BLONDE JOKE: This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing  the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him,  so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?” The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”


AREN’T GRANDMAS GRAND?

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style…. it makes your nose look too short.

Love, Grandma


He doesn’t have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy”, she yelled, “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”       

“Very good”, said her mother.       

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl asked.

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled. “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good”, said her mother.       

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”       

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”       

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled. “We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” and she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.       

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”       

“No Honey… it’s because you’re 24.”


He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


LIFE, EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk     to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”  

The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”                                 

And God agreed.      

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”                              

So God agreed (sigh).        

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”  

Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”                              

And God agreed again.      

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”  

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”                     

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”        

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.


THE HAPPY WIDOW

Dear Tide: I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.

After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.


He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

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