Humor

Best New Jokes: September 11, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.


ALWAYS PAYS TO TELL THE TRUTH

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.


“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” –Robin Williams



HEAVY GROPING AT THE STARLITE DRIVE-IN

Were drive-in movies of the ’40s and ’50s sexually unrestrained “passion pits?” Or, is all that our inner-teenager’s imagination? Find out the truth at this week’s Suddenly Senior column.


“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather– who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” –Author Unknown



AN IRISH TOAST

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”


“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” –Paul Rodriguez


DON’T EVEN TRY

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear – everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie – the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened.

“You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.


“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” –Dave Barry


SILLY ASSUMPTION

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures – 25 cents.” “Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents,” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.


“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” –Roseanne



THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100-yard breaststroke race.

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the silver to the blonde.

As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, “I don’t want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms.”


“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house,” –Rod Stewart



ONE STOP SHOPPING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their decision, to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and, on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:” Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism? “

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob turns to Rebecca: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!!


“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'” –Dave Barry


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

13. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken. –Unknown, presumed deceased

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