Humor

Best New Jokes: September 1, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.


If it has tires or testicles, a woman will have trouble with it.


SOUTHWEST AIR’S NEW COMMERCIAL?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.”


When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?



LATEST NEWS ON BIG PHARMA’S WAR WITH CANADA

A new feature at Suddenly Senior: The late-breaking news about the David/Goliath battle between Canadian drug stores attempting to help American seniors buy affordable drugs and Big Pharma doing everything it can to prevent it. (Remember: The most effective drug in the world is useless unless affordable.) You won’t find this anywhere else.


The easiest way to find something lost around  the house is to buy a replacement.


WHY PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box —- “I heard you the first time – I’m putting my damn shoes on!”


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



ACTUAL LETTERS THAT DEAR ABBY WAS AT A LOSS HOW TO ANSWER

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby: I have a man I can never trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby: I joined the navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby: My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO TURNED CAR MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

The instructor went on to say, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler


Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


63, AND PREGNANT?

A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

Debi and Victoria, a beautiful blonde and a gorgeous redhead, are walking down the street. They pass a flower shop where Victoria happens to see her boyfriend, Norbert, buying flowers.

She sighs. “Oh, darn, my boyfriend, Norbert, is buying me flowers again.”

Debi looks at her friend quizzically and asks, “What’s the matter? Don’t you like getting flowers, Vickie?”

The redhead says, “Oh, I love getting flowers, but Norbert always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air!”

“Why don’t you put them in a vase, then?” Debi asks.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?


OF COURSE, GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone “brother” 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all—3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it. 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen!!!


In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world  weird. Now the world is  weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


FINALLY, SON OF A PUN

Israeli Police are looking for a man named Joseph. He is wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father.

He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was a Haifa-lootin’, flutin’ Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part time plowboy Joe.


Get the last word in: Apologize.

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