Humor

Best New Jokes: October 8, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THIS WEEK: JOKES ALL ABOUT THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

WOMEN’S ENGLISH
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry…
We need = I want.
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going
to hate.
I’ll be ready in a minute = I’ll be ages but do NOT put the TV
back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead,]

MEN’S ENGLISH
I’m hungry = I’m hungry.
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.
I’m tired = I’m tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with
you.
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with
you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What’s wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma
is it now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let’s talk = I’ll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then
maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with
others.


TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE:

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden
because he
wouldn’t ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the
TV remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see
what’s ON TV;
they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never
buy a new one
for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam
would never
be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding
his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything
else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”

1. And the No. 1 reason of all…..

Tada….

drum roll….

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: “I can do better
than that”


Rx

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when

his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.” “Perfect”
her

husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with

aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,… it’s up
to you!”


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE
FACILITY.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICULAR REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION

He is not a SEX MACHINE – He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES – He has an INTROSPECTIVE
GRAPHIC
MOMENT

He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN


MARRIAGE DEFINITIONS

BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of
pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

CAD:
A man who doesn’t tell his wife that he’s sterile until she’s
pregnant.

COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree
to let
her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will
not fall
while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over
to her so
that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.

HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission
to
say so.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband
to the
draw.

LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in
the market.

MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving
him a piece
of hers.

MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t
have
had if you’d stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to
wear at
the very same time that she complains about not having enough
room in the
closet.


THE OIL CHANGE: A GENDER COMPARISON

Women:

01. Pull up to the local Super Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
since the
last oil change.
02. Drink a cup of coffee.
03. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Men:

01. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for
oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented
tree.
02. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
back
to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
03. Open a can of domestic beer and drink it.
04. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
05. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
06. In frustration, open another can of domestic beer and drink
it.
07. Place drain pan under engine.
08. Look for 9/16 inch box end wrench.
09. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in the
process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another can of domestic beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and
twist it
off.
16. Take a break. Drink can of domestic beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Resolve to finish
oil
change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step
18.
20. Get can of domestic beer. Damn, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy another case of domestic beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean
oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh
oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Drink can of domestic beer.
34. Hell with it. Drink another can of domestic beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Break. Drink another can of domestic beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to
fresh
oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it’ll be time
for
another oil change.

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