Humor

Best New Jokes: October 7, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.




IS THIS FUNNY, OR WHAT?

After asking thousands to look at “the best 40,000 jokes in the world,” the U.K.’s LaughLab just announced the joke voted funniest in the world. Drum roll, please. This is for real…

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. They guy’s voice comes back on line. He says, “Okay, now what?”


SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS A BIRTH?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!”


A penny saved is a government oversight.



THE TROUBLE WITH GROUP SEX

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. “I think Southern
Women are the prettiest,” one of them said.

“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.

The third said, “I think they’re the most polite. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”

His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”

“Nope, too many thank-you notes.”


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.


TALL STORY

After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building. When the Texan but down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!” The New Yorker responded, “You need them!”


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.



THE OLD FARMER

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.”

Old age and treachery will triumph over youth & skill every time!


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS?


NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

This 85-year-old couple, married almost 60 years, dies in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” “This is heaven,”

St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


UNION GIRL

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. He entered the first place and promptly asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”

“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry but it isn’t.”

“So if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.”

Mightily offended by such unfair labor practices, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued from brothel to brothel until finally one of the Madams gave him the answer he was looking for.

“Yes sir,” she said, “this IS a union house.”

“So if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?”

“The girl gets $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” he exclaimed. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and picked out a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. She pointed to an 85 year-old woman in the corner. “But Ethel has seniority.”


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


MEDICAL ALERT — NEWEST MEDICATIONS

St. M o m’s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music

J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.



TOP 10 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pack My Stuff

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