Humor

Best New Jokes: October 6, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?


Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.


Today is a gift, that’s why it is called the present.


If you’re walking on thin ice…you might as well dance!


WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?

A retired older guy was driving along in Florida when the Highway Patrol urgently pulled him over and asked him if he realized his wife had fallen out of the car a mile back. Oh, thank God said the man. I thought I was going deaf.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life provided we get cable or that dish thing.


MARTHA AND JOHN

There were two lovers, Martha and John, who were deeply into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, John died in a car wreck. True to her word, Martha tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John! what is it like, where are you?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze and sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we do it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR JOKE

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby”

She turns to her husband and says…..”Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice……..”Well……there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


BEST BUMPER STICKERS OF THE WEEK

  • If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!
  • Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film.
  • Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
  • Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  • Hang up and drive!!


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”


EVE’S VERSION

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights — everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It’s these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as her limbs, eyes, and ears came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”, as she put it.

That is a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you…. now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”

Now, doesn’t THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Sometimes I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.


AND, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE

HEY, LADIES…Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

And, whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old as long as she buys him a few drinks first.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays… God!!, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…

“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…….. Buy a ticket.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


NURSING HOME WISDOM

NO Nursing Home for me!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.

I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65…that leaves $123 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.

There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that’s OK. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch, take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafes there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue. What more can you ask for?

As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

So:

When I reach the Golden age,

help me keep my grin.

Just check my old rickety butt

into the nearest Holiday Inn!


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”


GURNEY TALK

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says,” A circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”


MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our breasts. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

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