Humor

Best New Jokes: October 20, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.



MIRACLE MAN?

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.”


Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


WHAT IS LOVE?

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 6


Both of my marriages have been disappointments, my first wife left me and my second one didn’t.



THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR STORY

Tom and Edna were both mental patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the good news he said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is: Tom, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I’m sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t kill himself, I put him there to dry.”


By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. One Saturday morning he got up early, dressed quietly, made his lunch, put on his long johns, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain was pouring down, then snow mixed in with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 miles per hour.

So he returned to the garage, went back into the house and turned the TV to check the weather forecast. He discovers that it was going to be bad weather all day long.

He put his boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. Cuddling up to his wife’s back and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she replied, “I know—can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in that?”


I always know God won’t give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.


REPORT ON C-NILE VIRUS

I thought every one would want to know about this email virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1948.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”


A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


WHAT GENDER IS IT?

ZIPLOC BAGS = male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

COPIER = female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE = male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON
= male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES = female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE = female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY
= male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS = female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER = male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL
= female… Ha! You thought it would be male, but consider. …. it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying…


My best pickup line is “My name is Hugh Hefner.” – Hugh Hefner


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Two blond Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; “Dat’s dem.” The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

“Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage over dere”,says Mick. “Put dem in a pepper bag.” The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.

They get into Mick’s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. “Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by ‘Splat’.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too fockin’ dangerous for me…”


Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


COFFEE, TEA, OR…

A pompous preacher was seated next to a Texas cowboy on a flight to Idaho. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would also like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely attacked by a brazen whore, than let booze touch my lips.”

The Texas cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”


One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-husbands/wives live.

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