Humor

Best New Jokes: October 15, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


INSURANCE

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”



BEACH BUM

Martha and Betty were at lunch in their Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”

Martha asks, “What do you do about it?”

Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”



AT THE HOTEL

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”



MAKING LOVE

An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.

She says, “You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand”.

Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she says, “After that, you used to kiss me softly”.

Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.

Thirty seconds later she says, “Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck”.

Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“To get my teeth!”



BUS RIDE

A senior citizen’s group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says “I’ve just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d been molested too. The bus driver decides that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” says the bus driver.

“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.”



AT THE MUSEUM

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!”

“I know”, says her friend, “And cold, too!”



VISITING THE GRANDCHILDREN

An elderly couple decides to go and visit their grandson living in California.

The grandfather while shaving one day, notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson’s medicine cabinet.

That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.

The grandson was hesitate about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different excuses why he shouldn’t test the drug, which made no difference to the old man, since his mind was made up.

Finally he says, “Besides gramps, those pills cost $8.00 a piece”.

“I don’t care”, says the old man, “I want to try it”

With that, the grandson hands the old man one powerful blue pill.

The next day after work, the grandson finds $108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.

The old man explains, “I didn’t, I only left $8.00. The $100.00 is from your grandmother.



FORE

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”



THERE IS A LESSON HERE

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.

She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.

I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say anything.

So, she said, I’ll go upstairs to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment, watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt. I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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