Humor

Best New Jokes: October 13, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.


In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.



STUBBORN

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house then she saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house.

It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin’ away from the house, den back again?”

Mrs.  Boudreaux said, “Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water”


You know the honeymoon is over, when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.


Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


YOU KNOW YOU’RE LIVING IN 2003 WHEN…..

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn you’ve been laid off on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a No.9. Bet you all did this one!?


Both of my marriages have been disappointments, my first wife left me and my second one didn’t.



THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR STORY

SUPER GRANNY—DEFENDER OF JUSTICE An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”


As I’ve Matured… I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. . . All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.


MARTIANS DO IT

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money.

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asked Maureen. The male Martian responded, “Pretty much the way you do.” A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night.

Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had such a teeny weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” said Maureen. “Why?” he asked. “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replied, “It’s not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long. “Well,” she said, “that’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.” “No problem,” he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider. “Wow!” she exclaimed. They dell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, “Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it,” said Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replied. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”


As I’ve Matured…I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, they keep coming back.


GRIZZLY BEAR ADVICE

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


As I’ve Matured…I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a blond mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”


As I’ve Matured…I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


MIRRORED VALUES

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks at it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with”.


As I’ve Matured…I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


DEAR ABBY,

I recently read your column advising grandparents on “tough love” for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild.

I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won’t behave while I’m baby-sitting for his parents.

They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

Tough Love Grandma

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