Humor

Best New Jokes: November 4, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

You know you are a senior when you bend over to tie your shoe and you look around to see if there’s anything you can do while your down there.


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they’re okay, then it’s you.


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK

Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk
: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you’re not really my type! Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing!


“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding,
“You’re making a scene.” –Homer Simpson, modern day prophet.


We read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you like flies on stink. I say, let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


ELECTION DAY SPECIAL

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “you’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”


Bumper Stickers We Have Seen:
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
What happened to the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.


FAMILY SECRETS

Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago, and Niagara Falls. One of my daughters turned to my mother.

“Grandma, where did you go on your honeymoon?” she asked.

Mother never hesitated. “Upstairs!” she said.


Dear Abby: I have a man I just never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way.”

The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé. They marry and go on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, “You’re the first; no one has ever touched these breasts.”

Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, “You’re the first; no one has ever touched me here.”

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”


Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.


ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES (Some Ideas For You)

&Mac183; My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

&Mac183; Hello, you’re talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and home phone number, and they will get back to you.

&Mac183; This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…. And I’ll think about returning your call.

&Mac183; Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

&Mac183; Hi, Now YOU say something.

&Mac183; Hi, I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.


Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language, and violence on my VCR?



TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken…”

2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. ” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

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