Humor

Best New Jokes: November 29, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

DON’T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY; NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE.


TIME TO MAKE UP…

The election is over, the results are now known.

The will of the people has clearly been shown.

We should show by our thoughts and our words and our deeds

That unity is just what our country now needs.

Let’s all get together. Let bitterness pass.

I’ll hug your Elephant.

You kiss my Ass.


MY HUSBAND AND I DIVORCED OVER RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES. HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOD AND I DIDN’T.


LORD OF THE FLIES

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies” he responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”  


OUT OF MY MIND. BACK IN FIVE MINUTES.


THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.


BREAKING NEWS FLASH: FILM AT 11

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.


CONSCIOUSNESS; THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.


THE LAND DOWN UNDER

These questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA


EVER STOP TO THINK AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?


WORD OF THE NERD

Bill Gates recently gave a speech to a high school graduating class listing 11 rules they did not learn in school.

Rule 1:
Life is not fair — get used to it!

Rule 2:
The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:
You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:
If you mess up, it’s not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8
:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.


I HAVE A DEGREE IN LIBERAL ARTS. DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Tony.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your
thinking.”

Then little Tony says, “I have a question for you, teacher.“

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Tony replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”


PROCRASTINATE NOW!


EX-WIFE ADVICE

A man’s ex-wife called him at work wanting to know how to change the light bulb in the bathroom.  

He told her: “First, fill the bathtub with water…”


WRINKLED WAS NOT ONE OF THE THINGS I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP.


SAY WHAT?

An elderly gentleman feared that his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and said, meanwhile there’s a simple informal test you can do to get some idea of the state of her problem.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ”Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For goodness sake, Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”


GOD MUST LOVE STUPID PEOPLE. HE MADE SO MANY OF THEM.


ABSOLUTE BEST OFFER

A man entered a pharmacy and asked to speak with a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to explained that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, and there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help him with.

The man said that it was something he would feel more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and said, “This is difficult for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering if you could give me something for it?”

“Just a moment,” the pharmacist said, “I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “I’ve discussed it at length with my sister and the absolute best offer we can give you is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $2500 month for living expenses.”


BEING OVER THE HILL IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEING UNDER IT.


CUCKOO! THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answers the next question correctly, she will win
$1,000,000. If she answers incorrectly, she will pocket only $32,000 milestone money.

But the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Her choices were:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture.

Not only does she not have a clue, she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the contestant had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home was a blonde.

But she had no alternative, so she called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

Her blonde friend responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. I need an answer,” said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.

“Yes, that is my final answer.”

Regis said, ” That answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.

By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.

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