BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
IRISH DECLARE WAR ON IRAQ!!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Hussein!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Paddy, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Saddam paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “Paddy, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military complex.
And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
“Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein!” Paddy said the next day. “I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
ONE ADVANTAGE OF OLD AGE
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
CORRECTION FROM LAST WEEK’S JOKES: Reader Larry Roberts writes: “I always enjoy your “best jokes,” but this week I did a double take on the 7 oz bottle of White Out for $1.39. I never saw such a big bottle of White Out. You misread it; those little bottles are 0.7 oz, which works out to $254.17/gal.
TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooter’s.
9. Directions to your Doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges” is not a typographical error.
3. The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape
PUN OF THE WEAK: Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy. (Red Baby)
THE OLD MAN AND THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I just came to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old age and treachery often make a hard job seem surprisingly simple.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
READER ERIN MITCHELL’S FAVORITE JOKE
The pope is visiting Boston, and the diocese sends a big limo out to Logan airport to pick him up because the plane carrying the Pope mobile is slightly delayed. As the driver is headed back into the city, he’s driving about double the speed limit (which is about normal for Boston). The pope is relaxing in the back, pondering things, and it occurs to him that he’s never driven a limo.
So, he taps on the glass separating him from the driver and asks if he can take a spin behind the wheel. The driver, of course, immediately pulls over and switches places with His Eminence (after all, who’s going to argue with the pope?).
The pope settles into the driver’s seat and gets moving. Not being accustomed to driving himself, he assumes that the driver was traveling at an appropriate speed, and he chooses the same speed himself. After a few miles, he hears sirens behind him. Thinking it’s probably someone in need of his assistance, he pulls over.
A state trooper comes up and knocks on the window, motioning him to roll it down, which he does. The state trooper looks at the pope and says, “stay right there–I have to call this in.” As he heads back to his car, the pope thinks that maybe he’s in trouble.
The trooper picks up his radio and gets his dispatcher on the line. He explains that he needs a sergeant to come out to a traffic stop right away because he’s pulled over someone important.
The dispatcher says, “Uh-oh, it’s not the mayor, is it?”
“No, not the mayor.”
“No, not the governor.”
“Oh no, it’s not Senator Kennedy AGAIN, is it?”
“No, not the senator. Look, I don’t even know who it is, but this guy is REALLY important because he’s got the pope as his chauffeur!”
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF…….2002 EDITION
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
Old is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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