Humor

Best New Jokes: November 18, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

“Of all the things I’ve lost , I miss my mind the most.”


THERAPY LESSONS

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


I live in my own little world. But it’s okay… they know me here.


I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a moaner.


WRONG ANSWER

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?” After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It’s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”


Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


TWENTY WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

1. Chimney’s clogged.
2. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
3. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
4. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
5. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
6. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
7. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
8. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
9. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
10. No grain in the silo.
11. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
12. Receiver is off the hook.
13. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
14. Skylight leaks a little.
15. Slinky’s kinked.
16. Somewhere a village is being deprived of an idiot.


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


YOU THINK A GALLON OF GAS IS EXPENSIVE?

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ……… $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ……. $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 …………. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ……… $10 .00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ……….. $33.60 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ……… $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ………. $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 …………… $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 …………….. $84.48 per gallon

and this is the REAL KICKER……
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 …….. $21.19 per gallon.

$21.19 FOR WATER! ….and the buyers don’t even know the source.


You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Don’t ever regret growing older… remember that it’s a privilege denied to many!


YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN BY MY SIDE

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”

“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


TODAY’S STOCK ADVICE

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

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