Humor

Best New Jokes: November 12, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted–the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”


THE HOSPITAL

In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$20,000 for a female brain, and $50,000 for a male brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, “It’s a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down because they have been used.”


THE SCOT

MacTaggart’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night in rural turn-of-the-century Scotland, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. “Och!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern by . . . I think there’s yet another wee bairn to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. “Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad . . . It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

MacTaggart scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light’s attracting them?”


A GIRL’S DREAM HOTEL

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”


COLD WINTER OR, THAT’S LIFE, INDIAN STYLE

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”

The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.”

The Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, Is it going to be a very cold winter?

“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later, he calls the National Weather Service once again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely, we made a study,” the weather man replies. “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”


Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

But teach him how to surf the Net for porn, and he will never bother you again.



DEFINITION OF OVER 100% PRODUCTIVITY

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%! How about achieving 103%?

Here’s a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100%? Begin by noting the following:

IF, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z can be represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only

But, interestingly (and as you’d expect),

A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 % This is how you achieve 100% in life.

However,

B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

It stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top! So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!


SIGNS OF OUR TIMES

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

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