Humor

Best New Jokes: May 31, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

This Week’s Burning Question:
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

PSYCHIC DOG STORY

An elderly lady phoned Verizon company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Golf Is Better Than Sex: #10 – A below par performance is considered good.


MODERN MEDICINE

An older woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. Then he marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up he said,………..”Does she still have the hiccups?”


#9 – You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.


#8 – It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.


WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD…

GEORGE W. BUSH — We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY — Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER — The chicken’s habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN — To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH — I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by our tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART — No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL — Because the chicken was gay — isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the ‘other side’. That’s what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

ERNEST HEMINGWAY — To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR — I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA — In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

AL GORE — I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS — Did I miss one?


#7 – Foursomes are encouraged.


REDNECK BIRTHING

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there” said the doctor, “don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down, there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Ya reckon the light’s attractin’ em?”


#6 – You can still make money doing it as a senior.


FOR WOMEN ONLY

“I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

“As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in ‘that area’ to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

“I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

“I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’ I didn’t respond.

“After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

“After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’ I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it!'”


#5 – Three times a day is possible.


NEW BUMPER STICKERS

  • Don’t play stupid with me… I’m better at it.
  • This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
  • This truck has been in 15 accidents…and hasn’t lost one yet.
  • Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
  • Adults are just kids with money.
  • Keep honking, I am reloading!
  • Was today really necessary?
  • In theory, everything works.
  • Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.
  • Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION.
  • Your lucky color has faded.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

#4 – Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.


THIS WEEK’S JOKE FOR DEMOCRATS

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine said, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, a bit agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and grinned, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing you say it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir! See you tomorrow, sir.”


#3 – If you live in Florida, you can do it everyday. 


THIS WEEK’S JOKE FOR REPUBLICANS

The Pope is visiting Washington, DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the Presidential yacht. They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (il zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the headlines in New York Times, Boston Globe, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle proclaim: “Bush Can’t Swim.”


#2 – You don’ t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished, and best of all…


SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE…

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

3. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”.

4. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

5. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no eleven on any phone button.

6. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered “C.”

7. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

8. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

9. Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

10. Hates M&M’s because they are so hard to peel.

11. Got hurt while raking leaves when she fell out of the tree.

12. Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label read “good up to 20 pounds.”

13. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.


#1 – If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it .

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