Humor

Best New Jokes: May 28, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

HEAVEN’S LIKE THAT

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together FOREVER?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


ANNUAL PHYSICAL

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”

George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I’m done poof the light goes off.”

“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said,
“George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m
in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is
through poof the light goes off?”

Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”


What was the best thing before sliced bread?


LIFE’S GREAT TRUTHS


Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
4) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5) If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

Great Truths About Growing Old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
10) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
11) Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The Four Stages Of Life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?


THE BRONZE STATUE


A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.

But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ah ha,” said the owner, “you have come back for the story.”

“No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have any bronze Republicans.”


Is there another word for synonym?


THE TAX MAN COMETH

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS agent.

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “O! K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

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