Humor

Best New Jokes: May 21, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


SENIOR MOMENT

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these.

“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s the golden years.


About Women:

Girls have an unfair advantage over men;

if they can’t get what they want by being smart,

they can get it by being dumb.



PERIOD.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something ‘exciting’ and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a period,” he replied.

“I can see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so ‘exciting’ about a period?”

“Darned if I know,” he said, “but this morning my sister was ‘missing’ one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Army.


About Men:

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.



YAAAH

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota, Swen and Ole, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Swen and Ole objected strongly. “Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck Swen asked Ole, “Any idea where we are?”

“Yaaah,” says Ole. “I tink we’s pretty close to where we crashed last year.”


About Women:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.



LIKELY STORY

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.

“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.

“Your kids?” asked the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”

“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”

“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”

“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.

“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.

“Sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”

“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”

“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”


About Men:

All men are not homeless, but some men are home, less than others.



PROPER PLACEMENT PLEASE

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir,” replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered.”


About Women:

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.



ANOTHER ONE
FOR THE HUNTERS OUT THERE

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, Roy said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Ernest shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

Roy says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”


About Men:

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.



PISSING AND MOANING

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which proves the fact that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


About Women:

Women have a passion for mathematics.

They divide their age in half,

double the price of their clothes,

and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.



EVE TALKS TO GOD

Barney and Betty were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughters graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.

Barney found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son Bill about using one of the pills.

Bill said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Barney.

“Around $10.00 a pill,” answered Bill.

“I don’t care,” said Barney, “I’d still like to try one, we’ll be leaving early in the morning, so I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

Later the next morning, Bill found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Barney on his cell phone and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

“I know,” said Barney. “The hundred is from your Mother.”


About Men:

Why do men like intelligent women?

Because opposites attract.



MARRIAGE COUNSELING

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish.”


About Women:

Brigands demand your money or your life,

women require both.



A TRIFECTA OF HIS AND HERS JOKES

WIN

WOMAN’S WORK

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled On the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a large pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a large flow of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”


PLACE

LONG STORY

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.

The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn’t want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night.

She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long”, he said as they drove away.”Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.”

“Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cabdriver hit a parked car.


SHOW

VASELINE?

An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.”

“If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.”

“I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”


About Men:

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.

The rest cheat in Europe.

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