Humor

Best New Jokes: May 20, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

HEAVENLY HUMOR

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting beside the Pearly Gates asking St. Peter if they could get married in Heaven.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ……. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together FOREVER?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer.


Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.


UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”


Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS II

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.


HYPOCRATIC OAFS

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysteria’s and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go!

Next they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came, “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.” Still not good.

How about, “Minds and Behinds?” Unacceptable again.

So they tried, “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” Still no go.

Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts”, “Nuts and Butts”, “Freaks and Cheeks”, or “Loons and Moons” work either.

Almost at their wits’ end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council.

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”


Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.


FAT CAT GOES DEEP

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, He politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, And I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?’

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fat cat.”


Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they’re practicing to be men.


WHAT’S THAT AGAIN?

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist


Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

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