Humor

Best New Jokes: May 19, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Life is short. Dance naked, and wiggle your butt!


Old is when not wearing a bra pulls all the wrinkles from your face.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A young man surprised his beautiful blonde wife with a new cell phone in celebration of their first anniversary. She listened excitedly as he explained to her all the features of her new phone.

The next day the blonde went shopping. As she was shopping, her cell phone began to ring. Her husband was calling her. “Hi, hon”, he said. “How do you like your new phone?”

She replied: “I just love it. It’s so cute and tiny, and your voice is clear as a bell; but there’s one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that?” asked the husband.

The blonde responded, “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”


A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!


HMOs

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”


CHICKEN SOUP AND THE BEER DRINKER

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” – Frank Sinatra

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – Ernest Hemingway

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henny Youngman

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” – Stephen Wright

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! ” – Brian O’Rourke

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC!!! ” – Unknown”


The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir, “little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”


TASTE JUST LIKE BOILED PEANUTS

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly  parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, “Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of  your peanuts,”

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there. Without my teeth,  all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put  ’em back in the bowl.”


Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, — you “PITCH” them.


THIS WEEK’S GOLF JOKE

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf.”


Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”


HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat again in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding back paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut to the count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from the top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth with the other. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with ear just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, insert end of straw and BLOW.

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans and drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck just leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour a shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last date of tetanus shot. Bathe cheek with whiskey to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloody, torn t-shirt away and fetch another form bedroom. Then call fire department to retrieve the f—ing cat from the tree across the street.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by a large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and removes remnants of pill from your eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for pound to collect “mutant cat from hell”, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

Wrap it in bacon.


Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess.”


AND FINALLY, HOW MANY PMS WOMEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER! EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I’m sorry…. What did you ask me?


And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” and go your own way.

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.