Humor

Best New Jokes: May 17, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND IN THE BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear.”


EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE,
I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

One: Don’t miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.


If two wrongs don’t make a right… try three.


Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb ….. But how well you bounce.


FRENCH HOSPITALITY

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

“You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

“Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

“Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ’44, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.


SUNDAY SERVICE

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?”

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, “Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:45?”


Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.


NEW BUMPER STICKERS

* Don’t play stupid with me… I’m better at it!

* This truck has been in 15 accidents…and hasn’t lost one yet.

* Keep honking, I am reloading!

* Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.

* Your lucky color has faded.

* Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.


THE GENIE, TAKE 23

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and ‘low-and-behold’ a genie appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for … a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the damn map again.”


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


THIS WEEK’S DEMOCRATIC JOKE

One afternoon when the President is returning from a trip to his Texas ranch, he gets off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, sir!”

The President smirks and says, “Well, that’s where you’re wrong, soldier. These are not pigs. These are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.”

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, “Nice trade, sir!”


To err is human, to forgive – highly unlikely.


THIS WEEK’S REPUBLICAN JOKE

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or Oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republican’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?”


Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”

Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”


Keep in mind that after a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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