Humor

Best New Jokes: May 12, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

CHARMS OF THE SOUTH

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?”

The driver says, “‘Bout what?”


Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.


Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


MORE LIKE US

President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished. (Jay Leno)


Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.


WHERE REDHEADS COME FROM

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months”

“Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust”.


It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


ZEBEDIAH AND HIS EGG BUSINESS

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn’t perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb’s time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster’s bell had not rung at all!!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb’s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.


Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.


WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. A below par performance is considered good.

2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

3. It’s easier to find the sweet spot.

4. Foursomes are encouraged.

5. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

6. Two and sometimes three times a day is possible.

7. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

8. If you live in Naples, FL you can do it every day.

9. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

….and best of all

10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it


Dog’s have owners. Cat’s have staff.


THIS YEAR’S STELLA AWARDS

It’s time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year’s candidates:

1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps.

3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. This year’s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this.

The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.


One good reason for keeping only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.


AND FINALLY, NEW WORDS FOR 2003 Workplace Vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING– Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER– A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS– The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY– The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM– An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING– When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

MOUSE POTATO– The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs– Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY– A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE– The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

DMINISPHERE– The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404– Someone who’s clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning that the requested document could not be located.)

OHNOSECOND– That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFies– Well Off Older Folks


Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

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