Humor

Best New Jokes: March 9, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL LAWYERS EDITION

DELIGHTFUL BEGINNING…

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

All those who believe
in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Where it all begins. Just as you suspected, no?


THE PREACHER, THE IRS, AND THE LAWYER

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”


THE GIFT OF LAW

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600.”

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read it anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

Thanks. Mom


How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.


THE FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists’ casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed…. sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever.

One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist.”

It was at that point the proctologist fainted.


What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.


THE 3 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.


THE RABBI’S ADVICE

A man gets a notice to show up at the IRS office to answer some questions about his last tax return. His wife advises him to wear clothes with holes and his worn-out shoes. “Make them think you’re poor.” Then he goes and asks his lawyer how he should dress. “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and your sharpest tie!”

The guy is overwhelmed. With these two different opinions, he still doesn’t know how he should dress.

As a last resort, he goes to see his rabbi, explains his situation, the two contradictory opinions, and asks him what he should do.

The rabbi answers: “A woman, on the verge of getting married, asks her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a long flannel night shirt which buttons at the neck,’ she answers. But when the bride-to-be asks the same question to her best friend, she gets this answer: ‘Wear your sexiest nightie, the one that’s open down to your navel.'”

The guy interrupts the rabbi: “But what does all this have to do with the IRS?”

The rabbi nods and says: “Whatever you wear, you’re gonna get screwed.”


What’s another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.


THE LAWYER AND THE URINAL

In the men’s room this morning, i was standing next to a very fat lawyer at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn’t seen his penis in 15 years.

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said … “Why don’t you diet?”

Giving me a surprised stare, he said, “dye it?” For god’s sake, “what color is it now?”


Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.


2003 STELLA 1ST AWARD WINNER

The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck. In 1992, Stella, then 79,
spilled a cup of McDonald’s coffee onto her lap, burning herself. A New
Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages

The City of Madera, Calif. Madera police officer Marcy Noriega had the suspect from a minor disturbance handcuffed in the back of her patrol car. When the suspect started to kick at the car’s windows, Officer Noriega decided to subdue him with her Taser. Incredibly, instead of pulling her stun gun from her belt, she pulled her service sidearm and shot the man in the chest, killing him instantly. The city, however, says the killing is not the officer’s fault; it argues that “any reasonable police officer” could “mistakenly draw and fire a handgun instead of the Taser device” and has filed suit against Taser, arguing the company should pay for any award from the wrongful death lawsuit the man’s family has filed. What a slur against every professionally trained police officer who knows the difference between a real gun and a stun gun! And what a cowardly attempt to escape responsibility for the actions of its own under-trained officer.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

Norman and his wife live up north in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to the radio they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park……..” Just then the electric power goes out.

Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time, Sweetheart?


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


SENDING THE ROBIN ON HER WAY

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. 

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ….. and into the hole he gooooes.”


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.


AND GOD CREATED DOG

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden you walked with us every day.  Now we do not see you any more.  We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem.  Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG.”

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem!  I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a darn one way or the other!


What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

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