Humor

Best New Jokes: March 29, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

The cardiologist’s diet:
If it tastes good, spit it out.


MEN. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or, Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.


WHY GAS PRICES ARE SO HIGH RIGHT NOW

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer…..Nobody bothered to check the oil.  We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. 

Our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

Our dipsticks are in Washington DC


Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don’t know until the 4th of July.


WHEN A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth. The woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.

Surprised and disorientated he said: “Now why did you do that?”

She replied: “That is for 50 years of horrible sex”.

He sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says, “What was that for?”

He replied, that “is for knowing the difference.”


You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.


NURSING HOME RULES

One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be cared for.

The next day, the nurse bathes her, feeds her a tasty breakfast and sets her in a chair overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once again bring her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies ..”Except they won’t let you fart.”


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


HOW GRAND IT IS…

— My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked,

“No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied

— When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not
sure.”

“Look in your underwear, Grandma! ,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

— A grandmother was surprised by her seven- year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!”


The aging process could only be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.


TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT THE NEW MEDICARE BILL ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE…

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your Doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Rotor-Rooter®.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is ” An apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.


GIVE ‘EM HECK, SISTER

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?” “Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine? “Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the #%@$ off the car!”


You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.


SENIOR ROMANCE

They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.”

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”
 


You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”

But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but, you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”

The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ……

“WIN A BAGEL”


Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

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