Humor

Best New Jokes: March 26, 2006

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


MEANWHILE, AT THE BAR

Joe walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll be unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.

The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped !!

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Joe stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try !!”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blond girl timidly spoke up: “I’ll try, but don’t hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle!”


She was so blonde that:
…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.


TO THE MOON

Susi and Sara, (both blondes) were sitting on a bench talking.

Sara says to Susi, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

Susi laughs and says “Come on. Can you see Florida?”


She was so blond that:
she thought a quarterback was a refund.


DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

Betty, a West Texas cowboy’s blond wife came home just in time to find her husband, Sam, in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

Betty put Sam’s genitals in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

Sam was terrified, and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

Betty, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in Sam’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.”


She was so blonde that:
she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


She was so blond that:
she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.


OLD AND FOXY BLONDE

Maude (a former blonde) and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the afterglow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.

Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”


She was so blond that:
under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”


HARDWARE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his blond wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.

Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Joe Bob yelled, “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”


She was so blond that:
at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here,” she put
Sagittarius.


BLONDE Q & A

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITES OLDIES FOR THIS WEEK.

CLEAN RESTROOMS

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES.”

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


PLACE:

CAR ACCIDENT

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blondee is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”


SHOW:

AT THE APPLIANCE STORE

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

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