Humor

Best New Jokes: March 25, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE GREATEST EXAMPLE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?

We nominate The Thermos bottle. You want it to keep something hot, it keeps it hot. You want it to keep something cold, it keeps it cold. How do it know?


STATE MOTTO FOR ALABAMA

Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.


LEFTOVER FROM ST. PADDY’S DAY

A good Irishman, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, what was your toast?” John said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!”, Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”


STATE MOTTO FOR ILLINOIS

Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”


MIGHT AS WELL INSULT THE JEWS, TOO

There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’ favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.


STATE MOTTO FOR KENTUCKY

Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names


IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

“Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks”

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re beautiful”, and “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.


STATE MOTTO FOR UTAH

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus


RECTUM DEODORANT AND THE BLONDE

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman that they didn’t sell rectum deodorant, and never had. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she had been buying the stuff from that store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry”, said the pharmacist, “We don’t have any.

“But I always get it here,” said the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go home and get it.”

She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist who looked at it and said to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container “TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”


STATE MOTTO FOR VERMONT

Yep


DIPLOMACY

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Goldberg says, “I’ll go tell him.”


STATE MOTTO FOR OHIO

At Least We’re Not Michigan


WELCOME TO THE NURSING HOME PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE.

if you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY

if you are co-dependent, please ASK SOMEONE to press 2

if you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,6,7,8

if you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. just stay on the line so we can trace the call

if you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press

if you are manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press. no one will answer.

click


STATE MOTTO FOR MISSISSIPPI

Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State


THE MODEL

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. “Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” The well-dressed gentleman responds, “You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?” “No, sir, I don’t drink,” retorts the bum.

“You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asks the gentleman. “No way, I don’t gamble,” answers the bum. “You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?” asks the man. “Never,” says the bum, “I don’t play golf.” The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.

The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man’s house, the bum’s curiosity gets the better of him. “Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?” “Probably,” says the man, “but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf


STATE MOTTO FOR NEW MEXICO

Lizards Make Excellent Pets


SUGGESTION

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn’t Congress think of this?


STATE MOTTO FOR OREGON

Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

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